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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Click (04/18/13)

TITLE: Irrevocable
By Holly Hoell
04/25/13


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Karen peered from her bedroom door after hearing sounds in the living room. She saw Grandpa Jack looking for something on the mantle. Then, he disappeared around the corner. Strange. She went back to counting sheep. She awoke to this same occurrence a few more times that month. When she asked him what he was doing, he hugged her and said “you’re just dreaming darlin”. She adored her grandpa, he was so loving and kind, and unlike anyone she ever knew. Later, when he died, it felt like the only good thing in her world was gone.

One night, she awoke remembering the times her grandfather had been looking at the mantle. Unable to fall back asleep, she decided to investigate. She began picking ornaments and things up and examining them. She picked up a stein and noticed a key underneath it. That has to be it! But where could the lock be? She walked around the corner to the small reading area. It was just a table and 4 chairs, a little nook. Looking under the tablecloth, she noticed a square in the wall and yes, a place for a key. She placed the key in, turned it and the door popped open. She crawled into a little square room with just enough room for someone to sit in.

Feeling around she found a flashlight and turned it on. There in front of her, she saw a candle, some matches and a book. She closed the door behind her and lit the candle. Opening the book, she gasped. It was a bible! Those had been outlawed years ago! Her father was a police officer and people who had bibles were often executed! Her mind raced. Should I tell my dad? Curious now, she randomly opened the book and started reading. I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

How intriguing, maybe that is where grandpa is? She began sneaking into the room and reading the bible every night. Daily life carried on but she began seeing the beauty in everything. For the first time, she felt hope. Then she met Alex. He was handsome and smart and he really seemed to like her. When she saw him, she felt like she was walking on air. Each day he walked her home. She knew he was the one for her.

“Alex, do you think there is a God?” She asked one afternoon.

“Anything is possible,” he replied.

“Can you keep something secret if I tell you?”

“Of course Karen, you know I love you.”

“What if I told you I read the bible and I know God is real?”

“Alex stopped and looked at her. What do you mean you read the bible?”

“My grandfather had one I found and I read it.”

“You need to turn it in he demanded.”

“Alex, you don’t understand, God is real.”

“You don’t understand,” Alex said. “You are a criminal. I knew it, I could spot you a mile away that you were different.”

”Alex, you said you love me?”

”We are going home to talk to your father right now!” She winced as he roughly grabbed her arm and dragged her into the house.

”What’s going on here George yelled, what are you doing to my daughter?”

”She has a bible.”

”Where is it Karen?”

”I’m not telling Dad, I won’t give it up.”

Walking over to his desk George pulled a gun out from the drawer. ”Karen, you know how serious this is right? You need to tell me where it is now!”

”Please daddy, why are you doing this? I can’t.”

Walking into her room, George said ”help me find it Alex.” They tore apart her room searching but found nothing. Pointing the gun at her George said “you have one more chance to tell me where that bible is.”

Sobbing, Karen said “please daddy, I love you but I can’t.”

George pulled the trigger, Click; the gun did not go off. As he was chambering another bullet, Karen bolted from the house. She ran as fast and as far as she could until she found a home that had several bushes. Hiding in them, she cried herself to sleep. Her life was now irrevocably changed forever.


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This article has been read 205 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/29/13
Wow this is an intense story. You did a fantastic job of building the characters and fitting so much story into such limited word space.

As fantastic as it is, there are a few little things you could do to make it outstanding. Writers struggle with show vs tell quite often. Instead of using taglines like he said, you can use that spot to show the reader the character's emotions. For example: As her heart thudded in her chest, she swallowed several times before gazing into his eyes.“Alex, do you think there is a God?”
Hopefully that would not only show the reader who is speaking, but also that she is a bit nervous, even though she loves and trusts him, she is afraid to ask him her question.

I think you have a natural knack for storytelling, and while you need to tweak some punctuation, it doesn't distract from the suspense that you build. I could definitely see this as a longer story or even a novel. You have great characters, and a wonderful way of weaving an intense story. I enjoy open-ended endings because it allows the reader to fill in the blanks the way she needs them to be done.

If you're interested in more feedback, check out the brick throwing thread on the message boards : http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947&sid=9bf86fd740f6a3f9ea7b0dc030505a40
dub W04/29/13
About everything has been said above. Writing dialog is a special talent, you will soon learn it. You have good flow to your story and theme is credible. Keep working, am looking forward to reading more of your work.
lynn gipson 04/29/13
Loved the story. You definitely have a knack for great story telling, and a gift for sharing your wonderful writing. Don't worry, you will learn the puncts. I did, and I started out the same way you have, only it took me ages before I could write a story like this one! Looking forward to your future writes!

Blessings, Lynn
Christina Banks 04/29/13
You've painted a very interesting scene. My inquisitive nature wanted to know why the Bible had been banned. I agree with the other comments, but many of those issues can be overcome with practice. There are a few specific things I could point out. Send me a message if you're interested in a more detailed critic. I did enjoy your piece. Thank you for sharing with us!
Judith Gayle Smith04/29/13
I can but echo the previous sentiments. This is gripping, stirring - words fail me. Love it!
Alicia Renkema04/30/13
The only thing I could think of as the setting for this story was the tribulation period after the rapture, particularly after the Anti Christ breaks his treaty with Israel at the 3 and 1/2 mark when his true colors will be shown. Bibles, or any true worshipping of the One true God will be expressly be forbidden. Scripture also warns in Matthew 24 that family members will turn on each other. Maybe you had something else in mind when you wrote this like a communist country, but what I shared is where my mind went to immediately. This was very well written. There were a few minor punctuation issues, but a challenge buddy group, googling different puncs on the internet, reading Jan's grammar on forums along with a good grammar book can help you there easily. This story was very suspenseful and drew me in right away. I think you have a real knack for writing fiction. Well done. Blessings.
Ellen Carr 05/01/13
Your story drew me in. At first I thought it would be a children's story (a secret room, fun...) but then it took a serious turn and became a gripping tale. While fiction this could be a true story for some parts of the world, sadly. You've done a great job. My only suggestion would be to take a redundant word out of the last sentence: 'Her life was now irrevocably changed forever.' You don't need both 'irrevocably' and 'forever'. Keep writing!
Loren T. Lowery05/01/13
My goodness this is riveting and you've done a good job telling a futuristic horrific story. I so liked the ending as well and could lead on to another "adventure" to develop your story and Karen's characters even more. Great job.
Cinda Carter05/02/13
Your story seemed realistic and was intense at the same time. I am impressed with your storytelling. I believe God has blessed you with a gift of writing and sharing a message at the same time. Well done!!
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/02/13
Congratulations on placing 6th in your level and 36 overall! (The highest rankings can be found on the message boards at http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=55&t=36971&sid=fc51905b09e1c3a6153917b33a0614a4 )
Christina Banks 05/03/13
Congratulations on placing sixth in your level. Great job!