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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Click (04/18/13)

TITLE: The Save Button
By clarissa aguilera
04/25/13


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Well Rick is in the front room watching Monday night football. Little Jasmine which is 2 years old plays quietly on the floor with her ABC blocks. Well mommy is in the shower, getting ready for work.

Grandmother is in the kitchen cooking up her favorite pot of chicken soup. As she peels the potatoes, slices up the carrots, little Jasmine comes in curious as to what was grandmother doing. She looks up at grandmother and points to the green celery sticks.

Grandmother decides to hand one of the celery sticks to baby Jasmine, curious as to what she will do once she had the stick of celery in her hand. The first thing she did was smile as she reaches out and grabbed it. Off she went running to her daddy who is in the middle of yelling “touchdown!” Yes!

What do we have here sweetie, said daddy?

As Jasmine smiles she turns around and off she went running back into the kitchen with grandmother.

“Mother...?” Yells Jasmine’s mommy through the hall way.

“Yes sweetie.” Said Jasmine’s grandmother.

Can you close the door to my room, and keep a close eye out for Jazzy? She’s been climbing up on the chair trying to get to the computer. I just wrote an article which is due and needs to be turned in tomorrow.

Jasmine where are you… jazzy? “Jasmine honey… come on down from there.

OMG! Yells grandmother, honey get down from there. “Mommy is going to swat your little bottom if she sees you up on that chair trying to play with her computer.

What’s all the fussing about mother, said jasmines mommy?

Jazzy were you playing with mommy’s computer? Little Jazzy looks up franticly at mommy knowing that was a big no, no! (PHILIPPIANS 2:14-16) NIV Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe, as you hold out the word of life – in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.

Mother what happened?

Honey it was too late when I entered the room, all I heard was “click!?”

Is everything erased, said grandmother?

“No, good thing I remembered to push the save button just before I jumped in the shower Jasmine’s mother replied.

Little Jazzy with no knowledge at all as to what was going on smiling, and jumping up and down say’s... “save button” gamma “save button.” (MATTHEW 18:4) NIV Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.


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This article has been read 125 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Glynis Becker 04/26/13
Nice story. This piece could use a bit of editing, though, checking for things like verb tense, punctuation and capitalization. Keep writing!
Patsy Hallum04/29/13
i Would shuck the well's, get a good proofer and Keep Writing. I enjoyed the story.
Judith Gayle Smith05/01/13
Sweet imaginative story. I kept wondering what Jasmine intended with that celery stick . . .

Throw a Brick for CLICK

http://www.faithwriters.com/Boards/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?f=56&t=36947




Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/01/13
This is a darling story. It's not easy to write in the present tense, but you did a fine job with it.

There were some little errors with punctuation. The rules can be confusing and hard to remember. I often use White and Strunk's Elements of Style. There are also some good sites on the internet as well as right here on the message boards and in the writing university section.

I'll admit I had a hard time picturing Grandma yelling OMG, but I thought you did a nice job of taking us on a journey through the eyes of a two year old. I think every writer can relate to the stomach plunging fear that makes us break out in sweat when we hear that ominous click and worry if we hit the save button. You did a nice job. Keep writing and try reading as many stories as possible and you will find it getting easier and easier each week. I've been here three years now and have learned so much from the other writers who so graciously have helped me on my journey so don't give up! You do have a knack and I did enjoy this piece. :)