Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: "Splash" 4-11-13 Deadline (04/04/13)
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TITLE: Bigger Than a Sprinkle | Previous Challenge Entry
By Grace Merkey
04/07/13 -
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I asked Jesus many questions which He patiently answered. I saw Him do many miracles of healing. I was present at the raising from the dead of Jarius’ daughter and also Lazarus. I witnessed the transfiguration. When Jesus came walking to us walking on the water, I jumped out of the boat, making big splash. With my personality, I liked to make a big splash. However, when I took my eyes off Jesus, I began to sink. When I called out to Him, He reached out and took my hand and saved me.
When Jesus asked, “Who do you say that I am?” I said, “You are the Messiah, the Son of the Living God.” This is one time I was glad to be able to answer without hesitation. Jesus told John and me to go prepare the Passover meal. At this last Supper I said I didn’t feel right about Jesus washing my feet. When He told me that otherwise I would have no part in Him I asked Him to bath me all over. (Make a big splash.) He told me that was not necessary. This experience was a significant splash.
In the Garden of Gethsemane I was unable to stay awake. When the soldiers came with Judas who betrayed Jesus, I impulsively cut off a soldier’s ear. Jesus told me to put the sword away. He then healed the soldier’s ear.
The thing that I regret the most is that I denied Him three times when He was being tried. After His resurrection when He appeared to us on the seashore, He asked me three times if I loved Him. Of course, I replied that I did. He told me to feed His sheep. At Pentecost, I preached a sermon that caused 3,000 people to repent and be baptized. I give all the credit for this big splash to the Holy Spirit. Continuing on in the power of the Holy Spirit, I preached the Good News until my crucifixion. I asked to be placed head down on the cross feeling unworthy to be placed the same as my Savior.
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I have a few comments that you might want to consider the next time you write a story. You did a nice job of covering the topic, but at some points, you used the word splash and it felt a bit forced. If you check some of the previous winners, you'll see that sometimes a story can be spot on topic without ever using the topic word, or maybe just once. Since this was written in the first person, it doesn't feel right that the MC is speaking of his death--unless maybe he was in heaven. When you include a death you might want to consider using the third person.
You did a nice job of drawing me in right away. You have a subtle sense of humor that I really appreciated. I also thought the dialog was kept true to the Bible and felt natural (make sure you start a new paragraph each time a new person speaks) I thought the ending brought the story full circle. I think you have a knack for retelling Bible stories. Keep on writing, I look forward to reading more of your stories. Nice job.