Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Note (02/07/13)
By Tricia Nechibvute
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Perhaps I have become old before my time. Too much has happened, without respite. I see people through glass windows. The glass is so clear that sometimes it gives the illusion of not actually being there at all. I reach out to touch someone; to assure myself of their realness; and find I can’t. I find the glass instead. I am well and truly alone. Interacting and interfacing with people, yet neither touching or being touched.
Life can numb one. It can be such an assault to the senses. After a while; I stopped grieving for the little girl that I once was; I just don’t remember. She is like an illusion. I don’t remember what it is to be happy, carefree. What it was like to have hopes and aspirations. Life kept beating me down. I stopped dreaming. I lost my sense of self, my raison d’être; commonly referred to as the arrogance of youth; when the sky is the limit and no ceilings exist except one’s own zest for life.
Every day began to fuse into another. I become like everybody else, doing what everybody does, indistinguishable, keeping my head down and just getting by. Doing what needs to be done. Getting a job; holding it down. This blissful state of automation is known as being a responsible citizen. Too many opportunities for promotion have passed me by. First, I listened to the reasons given, but even after I addressed these, there would be yet more. Eventually, I wised up; gave up. I believe I heard a collective sigh of relief when this happened. I reckon that they had probably run out of reasons (or is it excuses), perhaps if I tried one last time.... I’ll never know. It seemed as if the odds were forever stacked against me. Forever is a longtime. A person can only take so much disappointment.
I come home to an empty apartment. I don’t watch the news. It makes a bleak world bleaker. I flip from channel to channel and that is my evening’s entertainment. The highlight is the off chance of actually finding something to watch. This is the most excitement I get every day, the only prospect of being pleasantly surprised. I like the reassurance of the voices coming from the box. It is almost as if I am not alone. But alone I am. I don’t have a phone for unreachable people to reach me. People that keep so much locked in, because they are afraid that if they let you in, you will realise they don’t have the answers either. With age, comes liberation and I simply refuse to play anymore. Finally, I take charge of my own life and declare enough is enough. I leave the treadmill.
I acknowledge the deplorable state I am in. I do not remember who I am. I do not know myself. To me this is rock bottom. This is the end of my introspection. If I am to find hope; I have to find it outside me. Salvation will not be from within. I not only look outwards, but upwards as well. As I look up, I note the exit sign. It is exactly where I expected it to be as the only way out is up. I remember as a little girl asking that question that causes parents much consternation – where did I come from? Hope is birthed within me as I look up. I see the Light of the World and I call out to my Saviour. That question is now answered as I embrace my Fathers love and He makes Himself known to me through His son Jesus Christ. Always note the exit. Look up. Note, exit points denote new beginnings.
It doesn’t matter now that I don’t remember the little girl that I once was; I embrace the woman that I am and love her. I embrace today and savour the moment. Now that my Beloved is mine and I am His, I can soar only on the wings of Love and I do. God is love. I have been set free. The days no longer fuse as one. I now have a song in my heart. I sing of my Saviour's love for me and refuse to be silent. I have found my purpose. As I sing and tell others of God’s love for them; the glass screens shatter, the unreachable become reachable; against love there is no defence. My disappointments have become God’s appointments.
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