The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
02/02/13
I like the commentary on childhood conversations, especially the end when they are keeping their secret between themselves and God. If you choose to revise this, try to provide visuals for the reader to draw him or her into the story. Let the reader see what the little boy's face looks like, or the floor in the classroom. Thanks for sharing.
02/02/13
The story was clever and moving with the bond the brothers had. Nicely done.

God bless~
This is a cute story. I like how you had the child resolve the conflict.

You need to work a bit more on showing instead of telling. For example instead of telling that the little brother copies the big brother, show us. Something like this might work: Bobby went from room to room and right on his heels his little brother followed. Bobby yelled, "Stop it!" Then the little brother would yell, "Stop it." Also the ages seemed a little old for me as most 5 year olds can speak fluently and don't need their brothers to teach them that.

However, like we learned in the end, brothers can be quite helpful in a number of things. I think you did a nice job of covering the topic. I also could see this as a cute child story. There's an important message for both kids and adultsin the story. Keep writing.