The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/17/13
It is so difficult to live up to other people's expectations. The beginning really caught my attention and then I became a little confused. I think it would have been better to stay focused on one issue--job or family.

Keep writing.
You have the makings of a great story here. I really liked the message this piece sends. It's not an easy thing to write about but abuse can be verbal and break a person just as much as physical.

I don't think you need the first line. Instead start off with something that will grab the reader's eye. For example, paint a picture like this: Addison pulled her shoulders back, took a deep breath and knocked on her boss' door. Also using dialog will help build the characters. You can show the reader a lot through dialog.

I think you have a knack for storytelling and it will grow the more you write. This story is a story so many people can relate to and it has a message that too many people need to hear. Keep writing what God puts on your heart and you will touch people in ways you might never expect.
01/21/13
I agree with Shann, I think you have the makings of a good story writer. Found it interesting the solving of the family problems resolve by God and our Saviour.

If you go to the forum area and to 'Chuck a Brick' you will get extra feedback on this topic.

Colin (Gold Membership)
01/22/13
I enjoyed this piece and your effort with this story. Thanks. God bless~
There's a whole novel here. It's hard to fit it all in 750 words.
If you focused on just one story line and developed it fully it would be more compelling.
However, I did enjoy it all.