The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/16/12
This is a wide-ranging story, with a great ending. It's well-earthed (if you'll pardon a farming pun!) and it feels totally credible.
However it suffers slightly from too many mentions of Benny's name, when you could use pronouns or word pictures like "a young bundle of scared confusion," or describing his facial expressions to convey his inner thoughts. Check over how other members apply the principle of "showing not telling," so your writing will draw your readers where you want them to go.
Keep on writing, because you have a strong style.
This is a touching story. My heart really ached for the MC. I'm not big on titles and I usually skip over them but as I was starting to comment the impact of your title really hit me. It wasn't A Home but THE Home. That little word makes all the difference Benny's other foster families could have been described as a home, but he didn't know happiness until he found The Home.

All writers hear the phrase show don't tell and then spend the rest of their days trying to perfect it. I'll try to give you an example to show what I mean. This sentence tells the reader about Benny:
Benny felt he had no place to belong and no one to accept him.
But by using some active verbs you can paint a picture for the reader: Benny stood and watched as a sense of loneliness washed over him. Had anyone ever loved him? Tears mingled with a spray of saltwater as the waves pounded the beach.
I mixed some of the opening back story in to help give the reader a mental picture and also a sense of despair. It's not a perfect example but if you can master the art of showing you will quickly move from a beginner to a master.

You did a nice job of making the topic the center theme of your story while teaching the MC and the reader a valuable lesson. I really enjoyed the ending. it comforted me and filled me with a sense of hope. You do have a natural talent for storytelling. :)
11/22/12
Nice story! You do have a natural gift for story telling.

Hats off to all the Wheatons out there, who foster kids and turn them into loving, kind, hard working adults.

I loved that he was able to reconcile with his dad in the end and have a relationship with him.
01/03/13
This is wonderful, and my kind of story. I love that Benny finally found someone to love him and got his dad back. Very well written and told. You shouldnt stay in beginners very long. God Bless, Lynn