Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Blessed (10/11/12)
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TITLE: Waiting on an Answer | Previous Challenge Entry
By Michele Fleming
10/17/12 -
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Waiting for almost an hour now, Mark and Tami were a bundle of nerves. The nurse had informed them, as she was leading them into Dr. Frank’s office that he was working a case and would be with them shortly.
“How much longer is this going to take?” Mark fidgeted in his seat.
“He will be here soon.” Tami reached and placed a hand on Mark’s bouncing knee.
Mark looked to his wife and smiled as he covered her hand with his own.
“You’re right. They wouldn’t have made us wait in here if it was going to take all day.” A nervous chuckle escaped his lips and then he suddenly went still. “Would they?”
Tami playfully rolled her eyes and shook her head at her husband’s anxious state.
“Here . . .,” she said as she reached and took a copy of ESPN Magazine from a nearby table, “look at this to pass the time.”
“Nah.”
Tami danced the magazine in front of her husband’s face and with a singsong voice added. “It’s the swimsuit issue.”
Mark gave a teasing smile and then shook his head. “Really, I don’t want to look at anything. I just want to get this over with.”
“I know . . . me too.”
*****
It seemed like a lifetime since they started down this road, facing many twists and turns along the way. Unfortunately, most of those detours led straight to a dead end. Keeping the faith, they trudged on, determined not to give up their quest.
Several doctors had already told them their goal was unreachable. Because of this, Mark and Tami had almost given up on several occasions. However, the pull from the Lord would never let them do so.
*****
Another twenty minutes ticked by. Mark had sat as long as he could and stood to begin pacing the spacious office. Tami watched him walk back and forth, her heart twisting in agony for her husband. She knew the waiting was killing him, yet she remained calm.
Tami marveled at this. How, when their life was in such chaos, was she able to feel so much peace? As she thought on this, she decided that it must be a sign from the Lord. A sign, letting her know that no matter what Dr. Myles had to say to them today, that everything was going to be all right.
Closing her eyes, she silently went to her Lord in prayer. “Lord, I know in my heart that you are here with us. Better yet, I know you were here before us, paving the way. I trust you and I promise to accept whatever decision you have for us. Thank you, Heavenly Father, for all you do. Amen.”
As she opened her eyes, she saw Mark leaned up against the windowpane watching her. They exchanged tender smiles. Mark then made his way back across the room, taking a seat in the leather winged-back chair next her.
Just then, the door to the office opened and Dr. Myles entered, carrying what Tami assumed was her file.
“Mr. and Mrs. Turner, it’s good to see you again.” He said as he shook each of their hands.
“It’s good to see you too, Dr. Myles.” They echoed.
Dr. Myles walked around the massive oak desk, took a seat and opened Tami’s file.
“Well, you know why we are here.” The doctor began. “I have the results from your test. I just want to remind you, this procedure doesn’t always work and with your history the odds weren’t in your favor to begin with.”
“Yes, doctor. We understand.” Mark reached and took his wife’s hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.
Tami’s heart began to pound out of her chest.
“I know your heart was set on a miracle, Tami . . . but, what about three?”
“Three?” Confusion filled Tami’s mind.
“Yes, three . . . three miracles.” The doctor’s customary scowl slowly changed to a goofy grin.
Tami and Mark looked to one another and instantly the truth hit them. Three miracles! God didn’t just bless them with one. He gave them three!
“I am having triplets?” Tami asked needing to hear the doctor say the words aloud.
“Yes, my dear, you are having triplets! God has surely rained His blessings down on you two here today!” He then sat back and watched as the happy father-to-be twirled his newly expecting wife around the room.
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Colin (Gold Member)
God Bless
I noticed some tiny errors like in this sentence: “It’s good to see you too, Dr. Myles.” They echoed.
Because you used a tagline you need to put a comma after Myles and inside the quotation mark and then have a lowercase t in then. Because it's a tagline They echoed isn't a complete sentence without the dialog. The way you have it makes the reader question they echoed what? (Of course we know what but you were lacking a predicate) Instead of using taglines and trying to come up with creative ones, use that space to show the reader. Something like The couple spoke in unison as they squeezed each other's hand.
Just a slight change shows the reader their love and their worry.
However in other places you did an astounding job of showing instead of telling! For example the first sentence tells us they are a bundle of nerves but this part: Mark fidgeted in his seat. Tami reached and placed a hand on Mark’s bouncing knee. paints a vivid picture for the reader and lets the reader know they are anxious and that Tami has the natural instinct of comforting which will come in quite handy as a mother of three! I also thought the bouncing of the swimsuit edition in her husband's face is another wow moment of showing us the MC's personality. It was a bit of brilliant writing. The beginning is a good teaser line making the reader eager to learn more. You continued to build the conflict right up to the part when the doctor stopped scowling and smiled (If an article like my the is in front of Doctor then it is lowercase but if it's being used as a name then capitalize it and write it out EX Hello,Doctor.)You also did a wonderful job of writing on topic. There have been quite a few birth/pregnancy stories this week but you made yours out of the box (which is a great thing to do) by having triplets be the surprise. I also think you'll score quite high on the message criterion. It's very clear that God is in control and loves us through the hard times and rejoices with us through the good times. I totally enjoyed this piece and will recommend it to others too.
God bless~