The Official Writing Challenge
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All I can say is I want MORE! Very very good I loved it.
08/03/12
This is a very moving story and also very confronting. You've told it well. How sad to know that this is true for so many. Thank you for telling it.
Excellent writing!
08/05/12
Thnak you for this powerful and well executed story.

It was well written and touched my heart with sadness. Yet, I was thrilled at the ending when the little girl finally found help from the terror that was being inflicted upon her nightly.

So sad to know this really goes on...I pray for all of those in this situation that the Lord brings them to safety.

Excellent and thought provoking.

God Bless~
Very powerful story and you had some great writing elements. However, my red ink is to suggest even stronger showing and not as much telling. You have a lot of back story where you tell us about things that happened instead of showing us what happened. I also got confused about when the sequencing was and where we were in the timeline of the flash back, since it was sort of switching between flashback and backstory. Send me a message if you want even more detailed feedback. But all that said, I think this is a great story.
08/05/12
This is an excellent story; I, too, lament that for many it is not just fiction but reality.

You have a great knack for suspense; I was hooked right from the start.

May I offer a couple of 'red ink' spots? The first is just a sentence structure thing:

". . . pulled the fragmented curtain up over her shoulders she used for a blanket."

This should probably be,

". . . pulled the fragmented curtain she used for a blanket up over her shoulders."

The only other thing I was a little confused about was the storm shelter. Did the Lamberts live in the same street? Did they know she was there? Perhaps the word "sneak" or something like this would let the reader know that Belle was hiding there.

The other option might be to give no information at all about the storm shelter; just leave it that she's in one, but whose it is is irrelevant to the storyline and therefore needs no explanation.

Overall I truly enjoyed this story and would certainly read more of Belle's story. Well done, great job!
08/05/12
You've written a moving story. The first sentence of the second paragraph confused me, and I had to reread it to sort it out. Other than that, it is a compelling read.
08/05/12
In reading your sobering and compelling story I see that you have a true flair for writing. Keep up the good work!

As far as "red ink," I would say I agree with the person who suggested "...the fragmented curtain she used for a blanket up over her shoulders," is a better way of structuring that sentence.

I look forward to enjoying more of your Challenge entries and watching you grow further as a writer! :)
You write in a very compelling manner which leads the reader to know how it all will be resolved. This scenario is all too familiar to me. I liked the honest way you portrayed the mother, calling her frail which is a good foreshadowing of why she didn't do more to protect her child; and possibly why Hank also saw her as easy prey. So much of the story is yet to be told and you certainly have the writing skills to tell it. Great job!
08/06/12
Such a tough topic to tackle. You did so in a sensitive way. I couldn't help but wonder, though, why she didn't go to her mother for help...or perhaps she did?

Much of my "red ink" has already been noted, so I'll just say keep writing and growing!
08/06/12
Laura, this is just so touching and moving and kept me right up to the very end when Belle was in the safe place you took her too. I have no red ink because it looked great to me and I am not an expert. I loved this and would love to read more/ excellent!

God Bless, Lynn
Wow this is an intense story. You did a marvelous job with it. I could feel my heart pounding, the more I read. You managed to weave the topic throughout it as well. I think this is well-written and a tear-jerker.
08/06/12
You have opened up some real warmth that cracked by some painful reality and kept us in the mindset of your MC. Just a couple of slightly awkward phrasing have been noted, but in your line "a palace next to.." would read better as "a palace compared to..."
And "Hank had crept into her room" would carry more impact as "Hank had been creeping into her room..."
But these are minor adjustments to a very compelling read. Well done.
Your story carries excellent suspense, and I liked the ending very much. I thought you handled a tough subject with delicacy.
08/07/12
This is a serious subject that you handled sensitively. There is quite alot of telling vs. showing, but that takes practice. You've come to the right place. Compelling writing! Keep it up:)