The Official Writing Challenge
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Member
Date
07/27/12
Amen! What a wonderful story, well developed and well written. Fantastic ending. Praise God.

Thanks. God Bless~
Nice job. I really liked the end.
You did a nice job with this topic. Right from the beginning sentence, I could feel a conflict coming and I was eager to keep reading.

I have a bit of red ink for you that isn't a huge deal but I wanted to share it because I can see you have a lot of natural talent that just needs some polishing. Make sure when you use thoughts and say things like she thought that you either put the thoughts in italics (which if you do, then you don't need the tagline she thought because the reader will understand that it is her thoughts) or put quotations around them. Personally I prefer the italics and it's easy to do just put this before the thought and at the end this

The other thing would be to work on showing instead of telling. As much as possible try to stay away from passive verbs like was. Take this sentence -- It was a cold, damp, rainy day when Brittany woke up to the wind howling which caused the damaged shutter to flap itself against the house. and just switch it around some -- The howling wind banged the shutter against the house jolting Brittany awake with her heart hammering. It may not be a perfect example but I hope it helps show what I mean.

I really thought the purpose of the potluck dinner is a wonderful idea. I think you did a fabulous job of staying on topic but presenting the topic in a fresh way. Many of the stories have been descriptions of the food and whatnot but you took a different angle and did a fine job of telling a suspenseful story but still delivering a powerful message. It's so easy sometimes while we are safe in our house to forget about the men and women off in some distant land. What better going away gift could we give them than our love and support and the opportunity to know Jesus so during the lonely and frightening times, they can turn to him. This really tugged at my heart and gave me some good ideas for our church to look into as well.
07/30/12
Very good story. I feel like you kind of rushed the ending. Maybe you could have made it into a dialogue? That may have helped. You did a nice job though!
I do like the way you tell a story (including some great adjectives like telling the color of the towel). The only comment I have otherwise is that I think the story could have been made stronger with the use of more dialogue. This would help in not so much of telling the story but of showing it by use of your character's own words.
07/30/12
Your story is very well constructed and flows from the stressful opening to the happy ending. And a great story it is, too! My heart was hammering, hoping the potluck for the military wouldn't be rained out. Shann pretty much summed up my own red ink, so I won't repeat it. :) I'm looking forward to following your progress up the levels.
07/31/12
Very good story, and I too, liked the ending. You are a natural born story teller, and I would like to read more. Great!
07/31/12
I was fascinated by the churches potluck ministry concerning the troops. This was an enjoyable read. Thanks!
Congratulations for placing 6th in your level! Happy Dance!!
oops I see my example to do italics didn't work but made it in italics. So you do it like I'm going to show but without the spaces or descriptions. At the beginning of italic part you add a < then I for italics or b for bold or u for underline then after letter another arrow > at the end of the italic part you do the same thing but add the slash before the letter like this (and if you already knew how to do it hopefully someone who didn't know sees this and is able to do it. :)
08/02/12
Congratulations on your placing!...I really enjoyed this entry....write some more of these please
God Bless, Lynn