The Official Writing Challenge
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Wow! This is so realisitic I'm wondering if it is fact or fiction. Great job.

-Vicki
05/24/12
An all together moving and prolific piece that demonstrates the risks our military take every single day for our freedom.

This had me on the edge of my seat...I felt as if I was in the foxhole with the soldier!

Thank you for this incredibly authentic and compelling story.

God bless the military, and their families.

Blessings to you~

This is an interesting story. You did some nice bits of showing the reader what is happening. I liked the character. He felt real and I could tell he was a hero.

Though you did do some good showing, a lot felt more like telling. Show don't tell is a difficult to master. Try replacing was, are or is with active verbs. For example the first sentence is telling show me with something like this. The young shoulder trembled violently while sweat dripped down his face. His hand rattled so that he almost dropped his rifle.
I hope this helps a bit to show you what I mean.


The ending felt almost liked it was tacked on. Many people think because this is a Christian site, there should be a religious message but that's not true. Perhaps if you had started in the beginning with the solider praying for wisdom to know if he should risk his life or something similar, the ending wouldn't have felt tacked on but instead it would have come full circle.

Both of the things I mentioned are techniques that writers of every level need to keep perfecting so you are in great company.

You have a natural storytelling gift. You nailed the topic in a fresh and clever way. I've read several stories this week and this is the first war story.

I liked your character he felt quite real. The dialog/thoughts really helped me contact to him. Dialog is another good way to show the reader what your MC is like. Your beginning started immediately with conflict and drew me right in. The more I read, the more the suspense grew. You really did a great job with this piece. Keep writing you have a lot of natural talent.
05/29/12
Wondeful...well written and one of my passions....our troops and how they risk their lives every day for our freedom....God Bless

lynn
05/30/12
Good job of creating suspense. I was enthralled and anxious to find out how it turned out.

Be sure and make a space between paragraphs. It will be easier to read.

Try to avoid alot of passive verbs (was, were, etc.) in favor of stronger verbs. You began one sentence "Being undetected by the gunners"...'Being' is unnecessary and weakens the sentence. I am working on this in my writing as well.

Keep writing, you have a gift for storytelling.
Congratulations for placing 9th in level one!