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May 9, 2012
Desperate to Believe
You ever stand by a window starring at the rain? A soccer ball is in hand and an angst look sketched across your face; you anxiously wonder if the rain will cease to fall in time for the start of your game.
Rain is falling down all around me. Enervated I'm looking toward the skies, wondering when a rainbow will stealthily sneak its way into the atmosphere, giving the promise of a ray of sunshine soon to come.
I sigh; one has yet failed to appear. I force myself once again to push aside the storm clouds that mockingly rest over my head, attempting to disentangle myself from the heaviness they've thrust upon this weakened frame.
It's been days, weeks; perhaps my whole life I've been waiting desperately for that one ray of light to shine into my mind. I've longed for it, sought it, pursued it with every fiber of my being through years of study and contemplation, as I've sat before the throne of Majesty in intimacy. But yet I've failed to see it; maybe it's simply that I've not yet come to believe it and thus lack the sight to see it. All I need is that simple ray of light to illumine this darkened mind and free it from its bondage of lies.
How does one believe they are loved when they've never been loved? Or maybe they've always been loved but they did not recognize its touch? Perhaps the ones who loved them didn't know how to love, and thus they were left feeling neglected, unwanted and afraid. Since a child, all they've been seeking, like the rest of humanity, is to know that they are desired; and just like the rest of humanity, it's the one thing they can't seem to recognize as being certifiable in their lives. Now here today they converse with the God who is love Himself, but still somehow fail to actualize the words He speaks as a certain reality in the depths of their being. We can hear words all day, but that doesn't mean we believe them.
I feel like I'm anorexic- believing I'm fat when in fact I'm severely underweight. I look into the mirror but my eyes don't see the truth that's vivid before them. Fear has manipulated my mind and perverted the truth of my worth, leaving me uncertain and unable to receive the continual testimonies of both God and man's love for me.
God speaks of His love towards me again and again and again. I'm gently chided for repetitiously questioning Him of His pleasure over me (as I seem to think He might be upset with me), and told not to doubt His desire towards me-ever. But there is a nugget of something, that simple ray of sunshine that my soul is screaming in anguish to receive; until I receive it I'm not free.
My shoulders begin to slump. I'm tired, tired of the lies; tired of believing I'm not accepted and that no one wants to be with me or know me. I'm exhausted, weary and ashamed of pushing people away and lacking the energy to perform to appease them. I'm longing to finally be emotionally whole and alive in the certainty of my identity in Him, as belonging to Him as His beloved delight.
I have pages upon pages of revelation- why is it not opening up my eyes? I preach and teach others of His desire for humanity-why am I still blind? I can give you all the right answers but yet they are not solidified in my life. I'm waiting desperately for something, for that nugget of light that would break off the yoke of shame, and fill up this soul with the thriving and sustaining waters of the knowledge of His desire towards mankind. God help us; we're blind.
Ephesians 3:17b-19-"That you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height-to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God." (NKJV)
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