The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/11/09
Excellent title!

There were a few tense switches (present to past) and a commonly misspelled word (breathe=verb, breath=noun), but nothing major.

This is vivid and gripping.
It's always good to be reminded of this story. I like how you included a few sounds to bring it to life.
10/14/09
This is a nice devotional but there are errors in it. I would suggest you get another person in your level to check your work for you. It can distract from the message you are sharing - and it's a great message.
10/14/09
Wow, what a vivid depiction of the crucifixion. The message is excellent and passionately told. A bit of work on commas and grammar would improve your entry, but I can see a talented writer at work here!
10/15/09
this is a good descriptive peice.I personally did not like the start as I was trying to think about Jesus tired feet going swish swish which is like the sound of curtains opening or windscreenwipers. I think it would be a much heavier plod .
If one uses alliteration then try and imagine the noise. Having said that its probably just a personal opinion and dont let it put you off as there is alot of great description and emotion here!Well done!