Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: The USA (01/08/09)
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By Joanne Sher
01/14/09 -
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"Are we almost there, Annie?" Phillip had asked her that very question at least a dozen times a day since they left Cork on December 20. And, just as she had countless times before, she tousled her youngest brother's red hair and looked into his eyes.
"Closer than we were the last time you asked, you silly boy. God willing, we will see Mama and Papa very soon."
Phillip looked up and smiled, and was quickly engaged by the gentle movement of the expansive Atlantic. So easily distracted, the little scamp.
"He doesn't remember Mama and Papa, does he?" Anthony's eyes looked troubled.
Annie shook her head. "I don't think he does. It's been four years, and he was only three."
Anthony put his hands on his hips. "Well, I remember them."
Annie giggled. "Of course you do. You're eleven years old. It's easier to remember what happened when you were seven or eleven than when you were three."
Anthony bit his lip. "Do you think they still remember us?"
Annie put her brother's chin in her hand. "Now Anthony Moore, whatever would make you ask a question like that? Of course they will remember us! We would still be in Ireland with Aunt and Uncle if they had forgotten us. Don't you remember the letters?"
Anthony smiled and nodded. "Of course you're right, Annie. I just wish we were there now."
"It must be soon. We've been at sea for days. Perhaps in a day or two."
"Oh, Annie! Annie! I just had a wonderful thought." Phillip hadn't spoken with such enthusiasm since he boarded this vessel.
"Do share, Phillip. I would love a wonderful thought." Anthony, along with his sister, sat on the deck beside their younger brother.
"Your birthday is in two days, isn't it? Wouldn't seeing Mama and Papa be a wonderful birthday present?"
Annie pulled her brother into an embrace. "It would, Phillip. And a wonderful start to a new year."
**
Their twelfth night at sea completed, Annie wriggled in her bed. They'd been told they could arrive any day. She sincerely hoped the ship's crew was right.
Something didn't feel quite right. She went through a list in her head, until she realized what was so odd.
The ship wasn't moving.
She rose quietly from her berth with an anticipation she hadn't felt in a week. Glancing through the peephole, she discovered that the boat was, in fact, tethered to a dock. On my birthday. She shook both her brothers gently.
"Huh? What?" Anthony glanced at his sister groggily.
"We're here. In America. Care to go up on deck and see?"
The boys both popped out of bed. Within two minutes, they were bursting out the stateroom door.
The sun was just rising as they appeared on deck. All three stood, mouths open, staring into New York Harbor.
"Annie. Anthony. Look!" Phillip had turned his head slightly.
Before the three of them was an enormous statue of a woman wearing a crown, holding a torch in one hand and a book in the other.
"It's Lady Liberty," Annie muttered. "Remember, Phillip? Mama wrote about her."
The children huddled together admiring the massive monument until they heard a man's gruff voice behind them.
"Get packed up, children. We'll be boarding a transfer boat and going to the new immigration center in an hour or two."
The three scuttled off to their stateroom.
**
"Our last boat ride for a while," Anthony declared.
He and his siblings glanced out the side, staying close to the gangplank of the decorated barge.
"Happy Birthday, Annie." Phillip smiled.
Annie glowed. "The best birthday present I'll ever receive, I'd wager."
Anthony watched as they pulled up to the dock. He grabbed his younger brother's hand and pushed his sister toward the gangplank.
"C'mon."
They made their way off the boat first and approached the clean, huge, nearly empty building.
They trotted toward the registry desk. Annie stepped forward and placed her papers on the counter.
"Congratulations, young lady. You are the very first immigrant to be registered at the Ellis Island Immigration Station." The gentleman shook her hand, and handed her a $10 gold coin. "Welcome to the United States of America."
Over 12 million immigrants passed through Ellis Island Immigration Station between 1892 and 1954 on their way to the USA. Annie Moore, age 15, of Cork County, Ireland, was the first.
www.ellisisland.org
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I'll be honest, though and say I didn't feel the anticipation or the emotion.
The first sentence didn't click with me
"Anticipation wasn't helping her mood"
The definition of anticipation is expectation .. What is she expecting? and how isn't that helping her mood?
And whatever the reason her mood isn't helped we only see her as cheerful and calm, responsible and "together" I would love to hear her feelings described or her inner dialog of wonderings and apprehensions.
She must have had them.
Going by boat from Ireland to America? That's HUGE! "What will America be like? What will it be like to see Mamma and Pappa again?. Mamma! Will it be okay? Am I okay?" (or...)
I wouldn't think Philip, age 7, after being on the ship for 10 days, would be quickly engaged by the sight of the gently rocking ocean... esp. since you had just said that they were fidgety b/c of the lack of interesting scenery.
"muttered" is not the right word. Muttered carries the connotation of "grumble or mumble" and that's not what you are looking for. You're looking for speechless awe. How would you convey that?
The word "trotted" sticks out. Too confident and casual. These kids are in a foreign land.. Everything is new.
I hope I have helped and not discouraged.
I think your story could be greatly improved with a little character development and a realistic portrayal of emotions and events. Make Philip seasick. Make Annie lie awake at night because she is afraid or she misses her best friend or Aunt in Ireland. (or whatever) :)
Very interesting.
I agree that more character development would help the story, as well as context....but oh how I know it's hard to beat that word count! Nicely done. :)