The Official Writing Challenge
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08/15/08
Yikes! Scary! It's awful when a child is missing for even a little while. I'm glad the story turned out well.
08/15/08
Probably every mother out there has experienced the terror you describe - I certainly have! Good, descriptive narrative of events.
08/17/08
An enjoyable read. Lot's of realism in this one.

May God bless and keep you writing.

Sincerely,
Dan Blankenship



Good job. You really put me in the action. I felt the mom's desparation. I've been there before, myself. Not a fun time! Your writing PUT ME THERE!

Since you asked for red ink: IMHO, I think some of your sentences could benefit from some tightening and rewording. Here's one example:

My mind raced. I could imagine the police ripping my babies from my arms, never to see them again. You could read this to say you would never see your arms again. LOL

Overall, a great effort. You are a good storyteller.

Excellent job of conveying the mother's terror and keeping the emotions on going through the story.
08/18/08
From personal experience I can tell you that it is also a father's worst nightmare. You described the emotions very effectively.
08/19/08
You captured the emotions well - I know about those 'speeches' playing in your head. I lost 2 of my kids at World Expo once - ok it was only 10 minutes but it seemed like an hour. Very scary.
Good story - keep writing.
08/19/08
It is very well-written! I guess the only thing that can draw people in more is to change to present tense. Overall the sentence structure and flow of the story is excellent. Good job!
That version of hide and Seek is one that no parent ever wants to have to play.

This reminds me of a story my mom tells about when I was a baby and got lost in JC Penney. My mom said that she ended up finding me clear across the store in the ladies dressing room. I think I was a little too young to be interested in girls, but maybe not. Whoops! :o

Thank you for sharing this. I'm glad that it ended well and that you can now look back on it and laugh.
Nice job. Lots of good tension here. Glad you were able to let your readers breathe easy with the find at the end. :)
Scary!

I'm so glad this story has a happy ending.

Well written w/ great show of emotions and feelings of inadequacy we have all felt from time to time.