Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Home Group (11/29/07)
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TITLE: Which one are you? | Previous Challenge Entry
By LaNaye Perkins
12/04/07 -
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Tidied the couch, the chairs and such.
Ran the vacuum and dusted, so all was clean.
Sprayed air fresheners and made windows gleam.
All in preparation to impress the group.
Hoping to seem righteous in the spiritual loop.
Trying to gain favor by her acts and deeds.
Not for God, but for the attention she needs.
Ellie wants to please her Father above.
So she opens her home because of love.
She teaches scriptures to help others grow.
They learn righteousness by the example she shows.
All in preparation to teach the group.
It’s not all about some spiritual loop.
For God’s not impressed by an act or deed.
He wants us to know that He’s what we need.
Are we a Suzy, or an Ellie in our church?
Do we seek people, or is God where we search?
God should be the focus of our Christian walk.
It should show in our acts and how we talk.
For this reason we should always strive.
To set the example by our daily lives.
So others see Christ in all we say and do.
Yes! I want to be an Ellie; how about you?
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I wonder if the group/loop rhyme is a bit forced.
I like rhyming poetry to be short and sweet, as otherwise it gets tiresome. This one is NOT tiresome in the least...it has charm and just enough "lesson."
Are we People Pleasers or God Pleasers? Where is our focus? Excellent rhyming and rhythm with a perfect message!
RED PEN: The cadence/rhythm (don't know the exact term) is just a bit off. Not to re-write for you, but if you changed the first stanza just a bit, each line would have 9 syllables and flow off the tongue better:
Sue set out snacks and flavorful punch
Tided the couch and the chairs and such.
Vacuumed and dusted so all was clean.
Sprayed air freshener and made windows gleam.
(I know "freshener" is technically 3 syllables, but it's usually pronounced as 2.)
Keep it up - I really liked your poem!
:) Love, Cat