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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Fire-fighter (10/05/06)
We jumped into our safety equipment and took the rear entrance. I thought I heard it when we first went in. I paired with Mike and we took the upstairs. Ted and Kent took the down. I saw Ted make the crucifixion across his chest as they vanished in the smoke. I chuckled; like that is going to keep you from getting burned. My attention was caught by a voice, no a cry. I called out, “Where are you? We’re here to help you.” I strained to hear through the cracklings of the fire. “Please, God, save me. I’m sorry, please save me.” Instinctively I made the step toward the closed door. Mike tapped me on the shoulder and said, “Where are you going?” “There’s someone inside; didn’t you hear him?” I said. He shook his head no. “No, please don’t leave me here to burn.” There it is again. I felt the door for heat, then opened it. Surprisingly the room was not on fire. It was as if there was a force field surrounded the door not letting anything in. Mike turned as if he heard something. “I’m going to check the next room, okay?” Mike said. I nodded and he moved away. I entered the room and heard the cry again. It was a man’s voice. It sounded like he was in tremendous anguish; not so much like being burned but anguish deep within his soul. I moved quickly to what I thought was the bedroom door. I felt it for heat then pushed it open. The scene dropped me to my knees. In the middle of the room was a hole that looked like it originated from hell itself. There were multicolored flames shooting up from the abyss. Small demon like creatures were darting around stabbing at a naked man that was naked and bleeding atop a rock platform in the center of the hole. I thought I was hallucinating at first until the tormented man looked up at me. I stumbled backwards in horror as his eyes met mine. I could not believe what I was seeing. I tried to call out to Mike but my words stuck like dry cotton in my throat. Those black, agony filled eyes. He reached out to me, begging for help. Tears filled my eyes and poured from my face as if fed by a water faucet. “Please, God save me from this place. I believe, I believe, please come live in me and save me from this place.” I closed my eyes to make it all go away. I jumped as someone grabbed my shoulder. It was Ted. “Are you okay, man? I looked back toward the hole. It was all gone. Ted helped me outside. “Ted, tell me how to get saved.” He hesitated, then smiled. “So, you saw yourself in the flame, huh?” Ted said. How did you know?” I asked. “How do you think I got saved?” He said. He smiled and we prayed.
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This article has been read 968 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Lindsey Pitts
10/12/06
Interesting concept. Here's a tip: It would be much easier to read and understand if you separated it into paragraphs. Especially the dialogue parts.
Catrina Bradley
10/12/06
Nice story - GREAT ending. You may want to watch your verb tense more closely, you've switched between present and past a few times. Also, starting a new paragraph each time someone different speaks would make it easier to read and keep track of who is talking. The characters thoughts should be in italics to differentiate them from the narration, also. Your gift for story-telling shines through, tho, and the message clearly came across. Gave me chills.
Donna Powers
10/15/06
Very powerful tale, and it was well told. Your writing is compelling. I also would have liked to see some paragraphs, but enjoyed reading it just as it is.