TITLE: A Fresh Batch of Home-made Jokes (Bible, Chuck Norris, Quotes) (updated on 8-5-14)
By Jacob Gibson
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“And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was playing tennis with Rebekah his wife.” Genesis 26:8 (GJKV, G-rated King James Version)
“And he brought the present unto Eglon king of Moab: and Eglon was a very fat man. And when he had made an end to offer the present, he sent away the people that bare the present. But he himself turned again from the quarries that were by Gilgal, and said, I have a secret errand unto thee, O king: who said, Keep silence. And all that stood by him went out from him. And Ehud came unto him; and he was sitting in a summer parlour, which he had for himself alone. And Ehud said, I have a message from God unto thee. And he arose out of his seat. And Ehud put forth his left hand, and poked him in the belly repeatedly until he screamed and told him he would do anything if he would just stop.”
Judges 3:17-21 (GKJV) There’s only so many of these you can do before you run into ones Veggies Tales has already covered.
(The following are extras from “God, the Part-time Comedian” from March 2, 2009)
Jonah: Gaaaaaah!!! I'm in the belly of a whale!!! How can this get any worse??
Random guy: Oh wow! A friend! Do you want to play Sherades?
Samson: Dad, you have to let me marry this girl. She is smokin' hot!
Manoah: Sam, she's a Philistine! We shouldn't intermarry with them! Isn't there another girl among our own people?
Samson: Dad, I'm telling you she is WAY hot!
Manoah: I don't care how beautiful she is! She's a Philistine!!
Samson: No, listen... she is EXTREMELY hot! Off the charts hot! Blow-you-mind-clear-away hot! Hotter than fire!
Manoah: It doesn't matter! Looks aren't everything. Inner beauty and godliness are what matter!
Samson: You just don't get it, do you? I bet you haven't even seen her yet!
Manoah: Samson!! Ugh. Good grief. Son, did you know that your brain is a muscle?
Samson: What's your point?
Manoah: Why don't you give that some exercise!!!
God: Adam, what is this that you have done?
Adam: The woman you gave me made me do it!
Eve: The serpent made me do it!
Serpent: Don't look at me I'm just a stupid snake. I mean, the tree made me do it!
When the whole world stands before their Creator I guarantee you that the last thing anyone will say is "omg." >_>
[CHUCK NORRIS FACTS]
Chuck Norris once decided to throw a large frisby as far as he could. This is what really happened at Roswell.
Chuck Norris has tried out for football, but the coaches never let him play because they’re afraid he’ll hurt the opposing players. And by hurt we mean kill.
Over three-fourths of the world records are actually held by Chuck Norris, but Guinness wanted to give normal people a chance. (I thought of this joke before I heard it somewhere else)
Chuck Norris has tried to compete at the Olympics, but... see previous answer.
The legend of Hercules isn’t completely accurate. His name is actually Chuck.
NASA once considered sending a spaceship to Mars by letting Chuck Norris drop-kick it, but they feared the shuttle would miss and crash on Saturn... or Uranus... or Neptune... or Pluto.
There is no “I” in team, but Chuck Norris still spells it that way.
Chuck Norris uses a Mac computer because he’s always breaking windows.
Chuck Norris once jumped as high as he could with his fist in the air. Now you know why there’s a hole in the ozone layer.
The Matrix movies were a rip-off of Chuck Norris’ daily life.
When Chuck Norris needs a good laugh, he watches bodybuilding programs.
Chuck Norris once got hit by a truck while crossing the street. The driver almost didn’t make it.
The devil went down to Georgia but tip-toed through Texas because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris rushes in where fools fear to tread.
Chuck Norris is the reason why the Cowardly Lion was so cowardly.
Chuck Norris has abs as hard as rock, teeth like steel, and arms and legs like tree trunks. Chuck Norris never loses Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Inspired by the movie “300,” Chuck Norris is planning to make a movie about his life called "1".
[RANDOM QUOTES I’VE THOUGHT]
Today is the day that I officially become a man. I will give up my old ways and trade them in for the more mature way of life... I will live a longer and more purposeful life and try to make the right decisions... and I will fully accept my responsibility as an adult to do whatever is required of me. Today is the day... I switch from briefs to boxers.
“This is how you look. This is how you’re supposed to look. Buy our product now, ugly!”
Brain [Not responding]
Fox McCloud: “All ships report in.”
Slippy: “I think I just wet my pants!!”
Falco: “That figures. Maybe you need a diaper, Slip.”
Peppy: “I remember when your father wet his pants once.”
(Don’t ask. Just play Starfox 64. You’ll thank me.)
My brain works like lightning. Sometimes it scares people.
I think I’m going over to the gray side of the Force.
This statement is not true. And it’s not very funny either.
Not only is the glass half empty, I bet the water doesn’t even taste that good. It’s probably unsanitary if not poisonous. And who made this glass anyway? How ugly.
Ask not what your government can do for you. Ask what your government can stop doing to you.
God sure is one generous guy to leave His Christmas lights on all year long.
If there was a theme song to go with my life, it would be the most off-the-wall thing mankind has ever heard.
I’m like this because as I child I got kicked by a unicorn.
If everyone was just like me, I would probably want to die... and so would everyone else.
No matter how magnificent a statue you build, there will always be people who can put graffiti on it and birds that can poop on it.
The road of adventure is paved with danger. The road of ordinary is paved with dirt.
Great things come in small packages, but you can fit more small packages in a big package.
My life is more boring than staring at a wall. So, to make it better, I’m going to bang my head on the wall and then paint it purple. I guess that’s my philosophy of life.
Teenagers + wheels + speed + gravity = bad.
Rabbit: Aha! I’ve done it! After all these year I finally got a bowl of Trix! *eats them* Mmmmmm! Just as good as I had imagined. Wait… ur… eck! *dies*
Kids: Silly rabbit! Trix are poisonous to rabbits!
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who are you to disagree?
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