TITLE: Struck By Grieve
By Christine Ramey
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Struck By Grieve
Christine M. Miller-Ramey
Terror ran through my mind the day I found out I had lost my baby boy. My son was born as a stillborn child. It crushed my heart and I was never the same again. I carried my son for seven months. I was a Type I Diabetic and the problems with my heath took a toll on me and on my baby. For me, I was not willing to give my son up through abortion. My doctor had explained that it was too dangerous for me to carry this child and that it would be a great deal of difficulty on me. I had a different opinion about the matter all together, see I had become a Christian at the age of eighteen and I knew that abortion was wrong, and knowing this, I decided it didn’t matter what I had to go through this baby would go to full term. Was it incredibly difficult to do this? Yes, it was!
The pain was difficult and to some extent it took a piece of me away by the time my baby was born. Nevertheless, I’ve had to carry on in life without him and that was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Every day is better but I still will wonder what it feels like to hold my precious baby in my arms. I dream of the moment he will tell me he loves me just because I am his mommy. But as much as I dream those dreams it is hard to imagine he will never be a part of me. I remember clearly the day I sat in the hospital room alone and heard the babies from the end of the hallway and wondered if that was how my baby would sound. I had wished I could hold him. I wished so many things, but they will never happen for me. So now, I must learn to take each day with new stride. To understand that God has a greater purpose in my life, and that no matter what I do His love for me will always remain at my side.
I don’t know what it means to be a parent as I’ve never had that opportunity but what I do know is everything has a purpose in life. We aren’t guaranteed tomorrow. We don’t know what will happen in the moment you read this, but we do know is there is a reason it is happening. I’ve been dealing with grieve for so long and the one thing I have been able to learn through it all is that I would have never been able to care for my son properly. That is the one thing I know for certain. See, as a diabetic you must learn to deal with blood sugars every day. Some will go high and some will go low. For me, I’ve experienced both and I can tell you first hand when you experience these things they are not fun. The worst for me is when I’m dealing with my low blood sugars. When I remarried in 2001 I inherited grandchildren. That was the happiest moments for me to hold and to love children in a way I’ve never experienced before. But one day, while watching my granddaughter, my blood sugars went low and I was faced with being alone with a child by myself. The thought of something happening and had I blacked completely out would have terrified me. It was then I saw God’s purpose in my life. It was then, that I knew why I wasn’t allowed to have my son.
Sometimes in life we must face heavy battles in life but it is how we handle them that make us who we are in life. I have faced my battles well, and I’m learning to move on in life. Every day is a challenge but in God’s warm embrace of life I have been comforted to know that it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to love. Most of all, it’s okay to live!
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