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TITLE: Smarty Pants Wisdom (Solomon I am Not)
By Jacob Gibson
08/03/09
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How long has it been since I put something new on faithwriters? Too long in my opinion. I've been doing other things lately like reading new books to learn to improve my writing (no matter how long that takes!) and I haven't forgot about FW. So here's some popular quotes I've heard followed by my wise responses to them and other's responses. If you don't think any of them are funny... I can't help it that you have no sense of humor. (I'll try to think of a better title later)
The early bird catches the worm...
But the worm that sleeps in stays alive (forgot who said that)
But the cat that stays up all night gets all the birds

If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?
God: "Yeah, I heard it. I also saw it fall and know what made it fall if you want to know."

Is the glass half empty or half full?
"It's hard for me to know because I keep knocking the glass over." -a character from the movie "Stranger than Fiction"
Both. Duh.
Is it really half full? *grabs a ruler and studies it for a few minutes*

What came first? The chicken or the egg?
God: "Do you really not know the answer to that?"

"Time is fun when you're having flies!" -Tigger talking about fly fishing

Garfield the cat: "Sticks and stones may break my bones but word will never hurt me!" *gets hit by a dictionary and knocked off the fence*

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Especially if you have good aim! - a quote I heard from a member of a video game forum I used to be on.
A garlic and bowl of beans a day keeps your friends and family away.

If Johnny has 10 apples and Susie has 12 apples... why don't they just shut up and eat?! -a quote from another member of said forum board

When life gives you lemons...
Make orange juice and let them wonder how you did it! - yet another quote from someone on an internet forum
Save the seeds, grow lemon trees, start an orchard, and make yourself rich!
Make lemon murange pie and throw it in life's face.

The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
But the wheel that's blown off gets replaced with a better one. (hopefully)

If you can't take the heat...
Buy yourself a fan.
Drink a glass of water.
Take a swim in the lake.
Spray yourself with a hose.
Eat some ice cream.
Put ice cubes down your back.
Stick your head in the freezer.
Move to somewhere like Iowa.
Say yes to Jesus.

There's no such thing as a stupid question.
Where is black? What is Elvis? Who is lunch time? When does car? How am face? Who's on first? Are we there yet? What you talkin' about, Willis? Why did the chicken cross the road?

Why DID the chicken cross the road?
To plot world domination.
To sneak across the border.
The chicken: "To kill the people who keep asking me that!" (is kill too strong?)

I think that I shall never see a poem as lovely as...
A girl around my age with blonde hair and an outgoing personality and a high IQ and the same interests as me and a great sense of humor and mad cooking skills and doesn't nag and... (just kidding!)

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach...
Science still can't explain how the stomach connects to the brain.
The quickest way to a woman's heart is... uh... um... eh... ur... let me know if you have the answer to that one.

A bird in the hand beats two in the bush.
Unless you have a rubber chicken in your hand and two pheasants in the bush.
Unless it poops in your hand and flies away.
Newsboys song: "Faith ain't easy to understand, when a bird in the bush beats two in the hand."

You can't have your cake and eat it too.
Huh? What is that supposed to mean? You mean I can't eat the whole thing? I'll eat the whole thing if I want, thank you very much! It's my cake after all. I made it. Who are you to tell me what I can and can't eat? Who cares if I gain weight? Let me eat CAKE!

To be or not to be?
I'll go ask my mom.
B2! Bingo!
If you gotta go to the bathroom then just go! Wait... sorry, I misheard you.

White guys can't jump.
Black guys can't fall.
Super Mario: "Ay! A-what you mean we can't-a jump?"

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
And angry bees too!

A stranger's just a friend you haven't met.
Okay, this is too easy so I can't do it.

Actions speak louder than words...
But I still can never understand mimes

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
Actually, it begins when you pack for it. "Oh no! I forgot to bring a compass, extra clothes and food!"

Practice makes perfect.
Unless you're just naturally terrible at something. Then you can practice until the cows come home and the cows will laugh at you. (also just kidding!)

The more the merrier...
Unless you have a small house or weird relatives or there's a fight or you're not in the mood for company or you don't want to clean up afterwards or you make a fool of yourself in front of them or...

Where there's a will there's a way...
Fire at will!
If your name is Will you can do anything!
Only if it's God's will, otherwise there's no way!

Behind every great man is a great woman.
Behind every extraordinary man are great parents and a great God.
Behind every great woman is... uh... help me out here.

Thou shalt not take the last cookie.
Thou shalt not laugh at the Jesus movie voiceovers on youtube.

Great minds think alike. Artistic minds... not so much. In fact, some artistic minds think in ways that are so different from others that their thoughts can sound downright weird or crazy to those who are strictly rational and realistic. Artistic minds may look at things in ways that you don't understand or could honestly care less about. Nevertheless, it is these minds that help us see the world in a way we never noticed; to find the concrete in the abstract, and the beauty in the unbeautiful. The creative, the unconventional, the eccentric... they live in a world that may be unfamiliar to the rest of us but it may be a world that we find we enjoy. So, please excuse me for saying much more than was necessary. I just couldn't help myself.
The opinions expressed by authors may not necessarily reflect the opinion of FaithWriters.com.
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