HERO AND NEMESIS HAVE “THE TALK”
(HERO & NEMESIS are in a restaurant or sidewalk café in superhero type outfits)
NEMESIS: And then you stepped up and said, “Pardon me, ma’am, is this villain annoying you? Stupendous Man is at your service” (laughs)
HERO: (awkward) Yeah…
NEMESIS: Boy! You foiled my plans on that day! Heh, Heh “Stupendous Man!” Too great, Stupe!
HERO: Good times, yeah.
NEMESIS: Yessiree, Stupendous Man thwarts “The Flying Mole” once again. Ha!
HERO: (weak laugh)
NEMESIS: That’s what I like about being your arch nemesis, Stupe! You’ve got class, Stupe! You’ve got class all the way!
HERO: Class, yeah.
NEMESIS: I mean, here we are, hero and arch nemesis having lunch together; Stupendous Man and The Flying Mole! You’re a class act, Stupe! A class act!
HERO: Mmmm, thanks.
NEMESIS: Hey! Want some clues as to what my next “diabolical scheme” is? Huh Stupe? Some “villainous taunting” from your arch nemesis?
NEMESIS: Oh? Had enough taunting from your number one bad guy?
HERO: No, no need, really.
NEMESIS: I don’t mind! Anything for you, Stupe! You’re a class act and I’m your arch nemesis!
HERO: You’re uh, planning on vandalizing a public library.
NEMESIS: Ha! Always one step ahead Stupe! That’s what I like about you. One step ahead. How do you do that?
HERO: I…. keep informed—
NEMESIS: But… WHICH public library, huh? Which one? That’s the mystery! Where will The Flying Mole strike next? Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaaaa!
HERO: The main branch on Alder Street. Look, Mole, there’s a reason—
NEMESIS: That’s amazing! That’s amazing how you knew that. No wait—not amazing—Stupendous! That’s why they call you Stupendous Man! And I am his nemesis “The Flying Mole!”
HERO: Yeah, Mole, there’s a reason why I asked you to lunch.
NEMESIS: Go ahead, Stupe my man, I’m all ears. Gonna smack down the law of justice on me?
HERO: Not today—
NEMESIS: I’ve got a feeling Stupendous Man is going to shine the beacon of light and right and might right in the beady eyes of The Flying Mole. Well, am I right?
HERO: Maybe another time—no, not another time. And that’s what I’m trying to get at.
NEMESIS: I don’t follow you, Stupe my man.
HERO: Look, it’s just not working out, all right?
NEMESIS: What? What are you saying?
HERO: A hero has needs in a nemesis, Mole. And I’m just not getting that.
HERO: Needs to be challenged. Needs to feel good about what he’s doing. Needs to feel he’s doing a public service by thwarting some heinous activity.
NEMESIS: But you’re thwarting me, Stupe. The Flying Mole.
HERO: Yeah, not so much, really. And what kind of a name is that, anyways? “The Flying Mole”?
NEMESIS: A… villain’s handle?
HERO: You don’t fly, you don’t go underground--
NEMESIS: I do so have a secret underground hide away, you just don’t know where it is.
HERO: No you don’t have one, you live on 23rd street in a small apartment which is exceedingly messy and you owe back rent on it…
NEMESIS: Uh… wrong-O. I don’t live there anymore.
HERO: You don't?
NEMESIS: I, uh, got—evicted just this morning.
HERO: I’m a super hero and I need a super villain.
NEMESIS: I am a super villain!
HERO: No you’re not.
NEMESIS: You’re just jealous because I’m evil.
HERO: You’re not even evil.
NEMESIS: Am too!
HERO: What’s the most evil thing you’ve done, then?
NEMESIS: Well, what about the Mass Transit Chaos Caper last fall?
HERO: What “Mass Transit Chaos”?
NEMESIS: You know, with the city, up in arms, people everywhere, confusion, chaos—you know, the bus thing.
HERO: “The bus thing”? You made three people uncomfortable on a downtown bus. There was no chaos, you just, just-- annoyed them.
NEMESIS: But it was evil!
HERO: No it wasn’t. That’s the point. Your idea of evil is more—inconvenience than anything.
NEMESIS: This never came up before, Stupe.
HERO: And don’t call me “Stupe”. I hate it. Always have.
NEMESIS: (pause) You’ve got someone else, haven’t you? You got someone else for an arch nemesis!
HERO: Let’s just stick to the point—
NEMESIS: YOU DO! There’s someone else!
NEMESIS: Who is it? Is it Ermine the Vermin? It is! Isn’t it?
HERO: No, it’s not Ermine.
NEMESIS: So it IS someone! Is it The Electric Eel, that poser? Or what about that new girl, “Dark Skyes” or something? Or the Rude Gnome…!
HERO: That’s not what it’s all about.
NEMESIS: It’s me then, isn’t it? What’d I do? Just tell me, I’ll change!
HERO: Mole, it’s, it’s not you it’s… me.
NEMESIS: I don’t understand.
HERO: I just need some space, that’s all.
NEMESIS: Space? What does that mean? You’re a hero.
HERO: Things are just complicated right now.
NEMESIS: (hopefully) Have I complicated it? Have I made Stupendous Man overwhelmed?
HERO: No. More underwhelmed than anything.
BLAZING DAWN: Excuse me? Is this villain annoying you?
NEMESIS: Who’s this?
HERO: Uh, Mole, meet Blazing Dawn.
NEMESIS: Blazing Dawn? You don’t look like a villain to me. I’ve never seen you.
BLAZING DAWN: I’d say it’s a pleasure but that’d be a lie. And I don’t lie.
NEMESIS: This is who’s replacing me? She doesn’t look villainous at all—
BLAZING DAWN: Ha! Hardly.
HERO: I got a side kick down at the union hall.
BLAZING DAWN: And I’m ready to do battle against the Forces of Evil. As soon as we see some!
NEMESIS: Now wait a minute—
HERO: Blaze here suggested that should I upgrade my arch-nemesis.
HERO: And I have to say that I agree with her.
NEMESIS: How can you do this? We go way back--
BLAZING DAWN: You’ve been slumming too long, Stupendous Man
NEMESIS: Who asked you? We’ve had so many good times together.
HERO: Not so much, really. But I think it’s time I moved on.
BLAZING DAWN: You and I will make this town a better place.
NEMESIS: I think I’m gonna be ill.
BLAZING DAWN: For Might and Right and Light--
NEMESIS: Oh shut up! I’m outta here. You’re not going to have The Flying Mole to kick around anymore.
BLAZING DAWN: Weenie little guy, isn’t he? Well, at least he left you with the check, that’s something.
HERO: Yeah. Sad though. Thanks sis, I owe you one.
BLAZING DAWN: Any time, bro.
© 2009 by David Ian
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