“You’re pregnant but something is wrong.”
I stared in disbelief at the doctor on that early Monday morning, listening as he recommended a specialist for more thorough testing. On the drive back to tell my parents and my husband, I contemplated the last few confusing days. Two months of menstrual problems had escalated into pain and a trip to the doctor. That was last Friday. They discovered a tumor on my right ovary which was fairly large and might require surgery.
“Come back on Monday morning for an ultrasound,” he had announced, “And then we’ll decide your options.”
I had gone to my parents house where we had prayed together, believing for a miracle so I wouldn’t have to have surgery.
On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I had decided to ride to the local flea market, just to try and get my mind off of the uncertainty of what might lie ahead. Would I be able to have children? That was the main thought as I had always figured that one day I would marry, have children, raise them and enjoy grandchildren as I grew older. Everything suddenly was unsure, subject to change with Monday’s pronouncement.
We were driving through a small town when suddenly I was hit by a strange sensation within my body. At first I was fearful that something was wrong but I was filled with a clean, fresh feeling. My heart rejoiced but my mind couldn’t fathom what was happening within.
Monday morning had come and as I lay on the table watching the ultrasound, I was amazed to see the tiny outline of a baby on the screen. My baby! The technicians would not comment on anything so I had to wait to get back to the doctor’s office to hear his report.
“The tumor is gone,” the doctor said as he looked at the report.
He could not explain to me what had happened for he told me if it would have ruptured; I would have hemorrhaged and ended up in the hospital. It was a miracle.
“You’re pregnant but something is wrong,” were his next words that turned out to be a devastating declaration.
Three days later as I rode to a specialist with my sister-in-law, Kay, I was apprehensive with the emotions of the last few days overwhelming me to a point of despair. Once again I lay on the ultrasound table but this time there was no outline of my baby. I felt as if a hand had reached in and crushed my heart.
Later, as I sat in the doctor’s office crying he told me that there had been something wrong with the baby and it was not my fault. Something like 15% of all first time pregnancy’s ended in miscarriage but I hardly heard what he said. My baby was in heaven and I called her Laura even though I never knew whether the baby was a boy or girl.
When I left the office, Kay tried to comfort me on that long drive home. I had to physically take it easy and several more doctor visits were in store. During this time, many people comforted me with the thought that I could probably have other children but unless you have been there you cannot comprehend the empty place left over the loss of a child. There is still a small place in me that will not be complete until I see my child in heaven.
“Oh God, why did You heal the tumor and not the baby?” I asked many times in the weeks to follow, somehow trying to make sense of it all.
I knew that God was sovereign and had to believe that God has a plan and purpose for my life and one day all will be clear. Until then I choose to trust Him. It says in Hebrews 11:13:
“These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off were assured of them, embraced them and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.” NKJV
They had seen them afar off and realized that God knew best for they were only strangers and pilgrims in this world. One day I will see Laura, in all her beauty.
Since this happened, my father has went on to be with the Lord and I believe he is telling Laura how much her Mommy and Daddy love her and we will join her one day, a family united at last.
God has blessed me with two beautiful children since Laura, Mandy and Jonathan and recently my first grandchild, Ava Marie. As it says in James 5:11:
“Indeed we count them blessed who endure. You have heard of the perseverance of Job and seen the end intended by the Lord—that the Lord is very compassionate and merciful.” NKJV
All things do work together for good to those who love God and He has given me compassion through this experience to help others in their time of loss. All the tragedies and problems in my life have helped me to grow closer to God by giving it all to Him and not placing blame on anyone. I have tended to be self-sufficient but am quickly learning how much I need Father God, that at my lowest point, Jesus is there interceding for me. Whenever I have feelings that no one is helping me or could possibly understand, His presence is real and secure. God loves me now and always will, giving me this promise:
“…eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” I Corinthians 2:9
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