A Fresh Batch of Home made Jokes
by Jacob Gibson
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“And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.” Genesis 26:8
(Jacob’s translation: Isaac and Rebekah were playing tennis.)
“And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.” Genesis 4:1
(Adam took a quiz about Eve or asked her a lot of questions to learn more about her.)
There’s something that’s always confuses me about men. If Eve ate from the fruit before Adam, then why is it the men who do so many terrible things? Who probably does the most stupid things during their teens? Men. Who commits the most murders and rapes in the world? Men. Who is strangely obsessed with things that are rude, violent, and disgusting? Men! It just doesn’t make sense. But now... I think I know the answer. Eve may have taken a bite from the fruit, but when she gave it to Adam he took one look at it and said, “Ooh baby, you gonna finish that? Um! Um! Um!”
“What? You mean you already named them all?!” – what Eve probably said to Adam
Things that Jesus would never say: “Blessed are the ignorant, for they shall be in bliss. Blessed are the tolerant, for they shall not be offensive. Blessed are those who rock at video games like Halo and Guitar Hero, for they shall be popular. Blessed are those who tell Chuck Norris jokes, because I like Chuck Norris jokes.”
What came first? The chicken or the egg? If you believe God made the world... who cares?
[CHUCK NORRIS FACTS]
Chuck Norris once decided to throw a large frisby as far as he could. This is what really happened at Roswell.
Chuck Norris has tried out for football, but the coaches never let him play because they’re afraid he’ll hurt the opposing players. And by hurt we mean kill.
Hancock is actually Chuck Norris’ son, and Chuck Norris finds him an embarrasment.
Over three-fourths of the world records are actually held by Chuck Norris, but Guinness wanted to give normal people a chance.
Chuck Norris has tried to run for president but... see previous answer.
Chuck Norris has tried to compete at the olympics, but... see previous answer.
The legend of Hercules isn’t completely accurate. His name was actually Chuck Norris.
As a teen Chuck Norris dressed like a geek and watched shows like Sesame Street and Power Rangers, and listened to polka and Disney songs just so older boys would want to beat him up but not dare try.
NASA once considered sending a spaceship to Mars by letting Chuck Norris drop-kick it, but they feared the shuttle would miss and crash on Saturn... or Uranus... or Neptune... or Pluto.
Some experts believe that Chuck Norris is actually a nephilim that survived the Flood.
There is no “I” in team, but Chuck Norris still spells it that way.
Chuck Norris doesn’t know the meaning of defeat. He also doesn’t the meaning of lose, fail, unsuccessful, pain, hurt, fear, surprise, panic, worry, or tie.
Chuck Norris can show you the meaning of pain by throwing a dictionary at you.
Chuck Norris uses a Mac computer because he’s always breaking windows.
As a baby, Chuck Norris was fed almost nothing but spinach.
Some people believe that Chuck Norris is Samson reincarnate with shorter hair.
Chuck Norris once jumped as high as he could with his fist in the air. That’s why there’s a hole in the ozone layer.
Chuck Norris has thought about joining the army but doesn’t like war.
The secret final enemy of Super Smash Bros. Brawl is actually Chuck Norris. The developers wanted to make a boss that not even the best players could defeat.
The Matrix movies are a rip-off of Chuck Norris’ daily life.
Chuck Norris can seriously hurt people with styrofoam balls.
Chuck Norris can break the sound barrier by jogging up hill in the wind.
Chuck Norris can pedal a bicycle at the speed of light. Did you see that? He just went past your house.
Water is afraid of Chuck Norris. Whenver he walks through a body of water, it parts like the Red Sea.
When Chuck Norris needs a good laugh, he watches bodybuilding programs.
Chuck Norris once got hit by a truck while crossing the street. The truck driver almost didn’t make it.
The devil went down to Georgia but tip-toed through Texas because of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris rushes in where fools fear to tread.
Chuck Norris is the reason why the Cowardly Lion was so cowardly.
Chuck Norris has abs as hard as rock, teeth like steel, and arms and legs like tree trunks. Chuck Norris never loses Rock, Paper, Scissors.
Chuck Norris put the bop in the bopshoobopshoobop.
Chuck Norris has read the book "Do Hard Things" but has a hard time finding something hard to do.
Chuck Norris is planning to make a movie about his life. It will be called "1" (instead of "300").
If you ask Chuck Norris if any of these facts are true, he will simply laugh at you. Ask him in a dark alley and he could prove it to you.
[RANDOM QUOTES I’VE THOUGHT AND HEARD]
Today is the day that I officially become a man. I will give up my old ways and trade them in for the more mature way of life... I will live a longer and more purposeful life and try to make the right decisions... and I will fully accept my responsiblity as an adult to do whatever is required of me. Today is the day... I switch from briefs to boxers.
“This is how you look. This is how you’re supposed to look. Buy our product now, ugly!”
Brain [Not responding]
Fox McCloud: “All ships report in.”
Slippy: “I think I just wet my pants!!”
Falco: “That figures. Maybe you need a diaper, Slip.”
Peppy: “I remember when your father wet his pants once.” (don’t ask)
My brain works like lightning. Sometimes it scares people.
Fat girls rule! (they’re just as attractive as skinny girls. This may or may not be funny to you.)
I think I’m going over to the gray side of the Force.
This statement is not true. And it’s not very funny either.
The world is an exciting place for those who have a short memory.
Not only is the glass half empty, I bet the water doesn’t even taste that good. It’s probably unsanitary or maybe even poisonous. And who made this glass anyway? It’s just so cheap and not that nice to look at.
Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what your country can stop doing to you.
Atheist. The word just makes me laugh!
God sure is one generous guy to leave His christmas lights on all year long.
If there was a theme song to go with my life, it would be the most off-the-wall thing mankind has ever heard.
I’m like this because as I child I got kicked by a unicorn.
If everyone was just like me, I would be so annoyed that I would feel like killing myself... and so would everyone else.
No matter how magnificent a statue you build, there will always be people who can put graffiti on it and birds that can poop on it.
Knows not and knows he knows not.
The road of adventure is paved with danger. The road of ordinary is paved with dirt.
Great things come in small packages, but you can fit more small packages in a big package.
My life is more boring than staring at a wall. So, to make it better, I’m going to bang my head on the wall and then paint it purple. I guess that’s my philosophy of life.
Teenagers + wheels + speed + gravity = bad.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who are you to disagree?
"The best part of wa-king up... is going back to bed!"
My high school geometry teacher: "Today, we're going to learn about sets."
My friend whispering to someone: "What did she say?"
My friend Zac: "So, Justin, what game do you want to play this Sunday night?"
My friend Jusin: "Let's play Dodge the Baseball Bat. I'll run around with a bat and you have to dodge it... You'll know when you're out."
“... Jump for the lifeboat. Don’t miss!”
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