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Wonderfully Worthless? Inventions, Don't Call Now
by Jacob Gibson
01/15/09
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Attention all living people!! G*Works Productions is proud to announce a new line of revolutionary products that you are sure to love! Stay tuned and find out how you can get these fantastic deals that will change your life forever!

ITEM 1: It's finally here!! What everyone on Earth has has hoped and dreamed for! The Big G/Little G miracle diet pill! Simply take one pill with water every time you gain too much weight and presto! Lose up to 50 pounds instantly in just one week!

*before and after picturtes of extremely heavy people*

No more boring and painful exercises. No more tormenting diets. No more worrying about commitment, making good choices and self-control! One pill can give you the body you've always wanted!

*clips of skinny people eating burgers and ice cream like slobs and smiling*

The Gg-xx will give women the slim body that all men supposedly can't resist! The Gg-xy will give men the big and buff body that all women will fall and die for! Is it a dream? No, it's a dream come true! For only 5 easy payments of $20, or 4 easy payments of $25, or 10 easy payments of $10! Don't wait any longer to lose that stubborn weight! Call now!!!

(Possiblesideaffectsincludeheadaches,drowsiness,nausea,vomiting,acne,itchiness,burping,hairloss,tasteloss,autism,cancer,andearlydeath.
Donottakeifyouhavehighbloodpressure,arenursing,pregnant,maybecomepregnant,havebeenpregant,arethinkingaboutbecomingpregant,orareallergictoanything.
Ask you doctor before taking it.)

ITEM 2: You're driving to work and all of a sudden you're stopped by a train. Oh no! Looks like you're going to be late to work again and probably lose your job. Is there any hope? Now there is! The Time Saver train arch is an exciting new invention that extremely conventient and free for almost everyone! At the half way point of the train, a very wide rectangular arch is connected between two of the cars with plenty of space between it. All you have to do is drive fast enough and you can pass THROUGH the train and get to your job on time! No more annoying patience and planning ahead! This window of opportunity is very conventient and much safer than the previously made train ramp. For all to enjoy!

(Wemakenoguaranteethatallwillsafelypassthroughandcannotbeheldresponsibleforanyaccidents.
Pleaseuseatyourownrisk.)

ITEM 3: Why is it always so hard to understand what your spouse is saying to you? Why can't they just speak in normal English like God intended? If you're one of these people, have we got a product for you! Introducing the Give-it-to-me-straight spouse translator! Simply hook it up to your ears and mouth and like magic you'll finally understand what they're actually trying to say.

Wife: "Honey, do these pants make me look fat?"
Translator: "Honey, I've worked hard to look good for you and need to hear you tell me I'm beautiful. If you say I look fine, you'll disappoint me. If you say 'Yes' you'll never hear the end of it."

Wife: "Sweetie, are you sure you know where you're going? Maybe you should ask for directions."
Husband: "No, I know where we are and how to get there. Don't worry."
Translation: "I love a good challenge and stopping for directions will ruin the fun. Besides, it sounds like you think I don't know what I'm doing which sounds disrespectful to me. Just trust me and let me try. I'll ask for directions as a last restort."

(Productmaynotalwaystranslatecorrectlyandmaygivewronganswersthatcouldleadtolongbickeringandhurtfeelings.)

ITEM 4: You talk to your friends and family about Jesus. You pray for them to receive salvation but they don't seem to listen. What do you do? Here's the answer: the Jesus Freak Conversion Crossbow! Simply load an arrow into the bow, aim at your unsaved friend's heart, and release! Insantly your unsaved friend will be a Christian!

*people are hit and then say things like "I believe in Jesus! Hallelujah!" and "Forgive me Lord! I'm a sinner and I need you." and "He is alive! Praise the Lord I saw the light!"*

Using the same amazing technology as Cupid's arrow, this device can work on anyone at any time! Agnostics, atheists, buddhists, evolutionists, hindus, jehovah's witnesses, jews, gentiles, mormons, muslims, new agers, satanists, wiccans, typical people... no one is safe from salvation! Comes loaded with the best apologetics, hours of personal testimonies, and Billy Grahm's most convicting sermons. Everyone needs Jesus, so why wouldn't you get this? Order now!

(SideaffectsofarrowsincludesuddendisinterestinChristianityorextremeanddangerousfanaticism)

Don't wait for these fantastic and mind-boggling offers! Pick up the phone and call right now!

Proverbs 21:5

If you died today, are you absolutely certain that you would go to heaven? You can be! TRUST JESUS NOW

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