A Primary Observation
by Betty Castleberry
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HIRE THIS WRITER
“Hello. I’m Bill O’Rights, your host of ‘Meet the Candidates.” The camera panned to show a gracefully curved table where two well-groomed men sat facing each other.
The man on the left spoke again. “Today we have Senator Luce Waffler with us. Senator, please tell our viewers why you feel you should be elected as your party’s nominee for President of the United States.”
Senator Waffler looked directly into the camera and flashed a wide toothpaste- commercial smile. “Well Bill, as you know, I’m the only candidate who is experienced enough to run this country. It was me who proposed the Sock it to ‘Em tax, which generated enough revenue to fund the War on Terriers.”
“Yes you did propose that tax, but is adding more taxes a good thing, and what is the ‘War on Terriers?”
“In this instance, it certainly was a good thing. The independent study my people did found that most Americans have far too many pairs of socks. These socks do nothing but take up valuable space in drawers and get separated from their mates in the dryer. In order to deter people from buying so many socks, a special tax was placed on them.” The senator pushed back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest.
“I see. Would you answer the last part of the question? What is the ‘War on Terriers?’?”
“Actually, the War on Terriers is a grass roots movement started by a small group of cat owners, which has now spread throughout this nation. Did you know that in many neighborhoods, cat owners cannot let their cats out because of the terriers that run loose?”
Mr. O’Rights arched his eyebrows. “I wasn’t aware.”
“Yes, yes. I have no intention of harming the little terriers; I just want the neighborhood safe for all. My tax program has funded many doggy day care institutions which are now open throughout the nation. Terriers are then given proper supervision and don’t terrorize cats any more.
“But what I would really like to talk about is my opponent. You are aware he has launched a series of attack ads against me. It’s certainly not true that I’ve only recently become a liberal conservative.”
The host interjected a comment. “Actually, your rival, Governor Flip Floppe, claims you have just recently become a conservative liberal. But let me ask you this, why did you switch parties?”
Senator Waffler folded his hands and placed them on the table. “It’s simple, Bill. The Jack Rabbit Party is the only party that makes any sense.”
“You’re aware that many Americans think it’s called the Jack Rabbit Party because they jump around the issues.”
Mr. Waffler forced a chuckle. “I’ve heard that.”
“So how do you answer Governor Floppe’s accusations?”
“I don’t Bill. I have no interest in going negative. I’m just interested in getting my message out to the people.”
“You don’t think saying your opponent is as exciting as left over liver is going negative?”
The senator’s face turned pink and his eyes bulged slightly. “It’s all campaign rhetoric. I happen to like the governor.”
“Our time is almost up, Senator. Is there anything you would like to say to the American people before we go?”
The congressman nodded slightly and faced the camera. “This is your country, and it is my country. Please remember that I have the experience and wherewithal to forge new venues into places where man has never gone before. I can lead us forward, while looking backward at the things that made our nation a beacon of industry, democracy, and legendry. We can reclaim this great country. No longer do we have to sit back and watch as we go down the slippery slope of atychiphobia. My record speaks for itself. Don’t be afraid to support someone who is satiated with prominent patriotism and isn’t afraid to showcase it. Vote for me.”
“Thank you, Senator, for being with us today.” The camera panned wide again as Bill O’Rights shuffled a stack of papers.
“Please tune in tomorrow when we have the front runner from the Orangutan Party with us.”
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LaughOutLoud funny! This could easily be acted out as a skit in church! Perfect timing for this election year in the U.S.
I loved this!! Why can't politicians just answer the questions? ROFL
Thank you for this, my friend. It's perfect!
ROFL! This is just too funny and it pretty much sums up how I feel after listening to the entire jumble of whatever. You have my vote if ya ever want to run for something...^_^
Just what I needed to put a smile on my face. Great job, Betty! :)
Actually, and the sad part is, that there are some in this country that would actually believe in what he is saying and vote for him. I know he did a pretty persuasive argument about those terriers : ) : )
You better watch out, Betty. Someone will be stealing you campaign speech and giving it! This is wonderful satire.
Fantastic perspective! I needed a big laugh today!!
Betty, this is hilarious. I really enjoyed it. Loved the ficticious names.
Ha ha ha! I love your creativity!!! I'd vote for you (if you care to run for any office). Great writing!!!
Boy, I needed that laugh, Betty! Wonderfully satirical!