Post
by glorybee » Mon Nov 30, 2015 8:47 pm
Francie, thanks for the link. It helped me to read the whole story.
I think your original was better than your second version, for both the beginning and the conclusion.
I can't speak to the reasons that you got marked down on beginnings or conclusions, but I can offer some thoughts of my own:
1. The situation of trying to summon one's love in the night by tossing pebbles at her window is a bit of a situational cliche, and would have to contain something very special to make it an effective hook. A twist, perhaps, where Ridley hits the wrong house or a passing dog. Or perhaps when he reaches for the pebbles he sticks his hand in something left on the street by a passing horse. Just something that the reader has never seen before.
2. The use of the phrase "beckoned softly" is a bit clunky, as beckoning is a gesture, and wouldn't generally make a sound.
As far as the ending, a few thoughts from me:
1. Your last sentence doesn't really add anything to the story (And in that moment of the night...), but when it's set off as its own paragraph, it makes the reader feel as if it's quite significant. So it's a bit of a thud, because its importance isn't obvious. Yes, Ridley had caused a disturbance in the lane, and now it's quiet. But that's not really very meaningful.
2. Again, since the story is rather light-hearted, it might be fun for the reader to have a misfortune befall poor Ridley, to punctuate his unluckiness in love. Or have the old lady come to her door and say "You could sing for me..." The idea is to leave your readers with a bit of imagery, or a surprise, or something else to take away that they've never read before.
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