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Dialog #1

These lessons, by one of our most consistent FaithWriters' Challenge Champions, should not be missed. So we're making a permanent home for them here.

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JudySauer
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby JudySauer » Thu Oct 08, 2015 5:37 pm

Thanks Jan. I look forward to more lessons. I'm on a roll.

Judy
Mercy, peace, and love be yours in abundance. -Jude 2 NIV

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Re: Dialog #1

Postby cgpeoples » Thu Mar 10, 2016 10:47 am

"Mom, I cannot believe you're not going to let me go to the movies with my friends tonight!"

"Jocelyn," her mother said, "you are only 14 years old and you have no business watching a movie about an axe murderer."

"But everybody else's parents are letting them go. So why can't I?" Jocelyn kept on and on till her mother relented.

"Alright," she said, "go on but please be careful!"


(Tried to just simplify while keeping pertinent information) Thanks for the lessons!

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Re: Dialog #1

Postby glorybee » Thu Mar 10, 2016 2:12 pm

cgpeoples wrote:"Mom, I cannot believe you're not going to let me go to the movies with my friends tonight!"

"Jocelyn," her mother said, "you are only 14 years old and you have no business watching a movie about an axe murderer."

"But everybody else's parents are letting them go. So why can't I?" Jocelyn kept on and on till her mother relented.

"Alright," she said, "go on but please be careful!"


(Tried to just simplify while keeping pertinent information) Thanks for the lessons!


You did a good job of paring this down to the essentials. I'd have changed just a few things:

1. 'cannot' to 'can't' in Jocelyn's first speech
2. 'you are' to 'you're' in the mother's first speech
3. some sort of punctuation in the last one, after 'go on', to indicate that even though the mom relented, she wants the last word. Maybe:

"...go on--but please, be careful!"
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby lookinup » Mon Mar 21, 2016 8:27 pm

Jocelyn, a 14-year-old girl, was upset with her mother! "I can not believe that you will not let me go to see the movie called Spring Break Axe Murderer, with my best friends Ashley and Tiffani. All of the teenagers are going to the movie theater this evening."

Tina, a mother only in her early thirties because she had had Jocelyn when she was very young herself, was one of those mothers who tries to be a friend to her teenager. She thought for a while, and after seeing Jocelyn's great unhappiness, she decided to relent. "You may go to the movies with your young friends tonight. Be certain that you are cautious and careful, please." She is just like me, Tina thought to herself.


"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.

"What now?" Tina asked, praying for patience and counting backward from one hundred as she often did when dealing with her fourteen-year-old-going-on-twenty daughter.

"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! It's not fair," responded Jocelyn, her eyes flashing with anger and righteous indignation. Folding her arms and harrumphing, she added, "You act just like those "old" mothers."

"Oh come on now; trying to guilt me into letting you go see that horrible movie isn't going to work, girl. I'm onto you," warned her mother, shooting her a knowing look. "Spring Break Axe Murderer" is violent. You are aware of my reasons for not wanting you to go, aren't you?"

"Okay, I give. But it doesn't make me not want to go. Everybody is going!"

Tina started to speak and then closed her mouth, staring into the eyes so like her own - large and green with gold flecks. At times it was difficult not to over-identify with this child so like her younger self, and to slip from her parenting role. Was it only fourteen years ago that she had been sixteen, having a baby out of wedlock?

"I don't know," she said, hesitating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just this once. After all, what could one movie hurt? It wasn't like Jocelyn had a steady diet!

"Mom, can I? Please? I'll even do dishes for a whole week if you let me!"

"It's my turn to give. Okay, you can. However, I don't want you asking me if you can go to anymore of these types of shows for a long long time. Agreed?"

Tina's answer was having Jocelyn's arms thrown around her in an ecstatic response. Smiling, she nodded her head, staring over her daughter's shoulder. "Thank you Lord for this treasure you've given me," she said, her lips moving in silent prayer.
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby glorybee » Mon Mar 21, 2016 9:30 pm

lookinup wrote:
"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.

"What now?" Tina asked, praying for patience and counting backward from one hundred as she often did when dealing with her fourteen-year-old-going-on-twenty daughter.

"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! It's not fair," responded Jocelyn, her eyes flashing with anger and righteous indignation. Folding her arms and harrumphing, she added, "You act just like those "old" mothers."

"Oh come on now; trying to guilt me into letting you go see that horrible movie isn't going to work, girl. I'm onto you," warned her mother, shooting her a knowing look. "Spring Break Axe Murderer" is violent. You are aware of my reasons for not wanting you to go, aren't you?"

"Okay, I give. But it doesn't make me not want to go. Everybody is going!"

Tina started to speak and then closed her mouth, staring into the eyes so like her own - large and green with gold flecks. At times it was difficult not to over-identify with this child so like her younger self, and to slip from her parenting role. Was it only fourteen years ago that she had been sixteen, having a baby out of wedlock?

"I don't know," she said, hesitating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just this once. After all, what could one movie hurt? It wasn't like Jocelyn had a steady diet!

"Mom, can I? Please? I'll even do dishes for a whole week if you let me!"

"It's my turn to give. Okay, you can. However, I don't want you asking me if you can go to anymore of these types of shows for a long long time. Agreed?"

Tina's answer was having Jocelyn's arms thrown around her in an ecstatic response. Smiling, she nodded her head, staring over her daughter's shoulder. "Thank you Lord for this treasure you've given me," she said, her lips moving in silent prayer.


As far as dialogue goes (which was the lesson, after all), you've definitely done a good job, especially with Jocelyn. Tina's voice is still slightly stiff in a few places.

It's not part of this lesson, but I'd encourage you to look for cliches in your writing. In this little vignette, I found

praying for patience / counting backward
eyes flashing with anger
out of wedlock
righteous indignation

And if you were an editing client, I'd advise you to trim, trim, trim.

However, your writing is good, with some inklings of deep POV. Lots and lots of promise here--well done!
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby lookinup » Tue Mar 22, 2016 5:02 pm

Thanks Jan. Invaluable input and impetus to work harder to get farther along.

:D

Catherine
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby lookinup » Tue Mar 22, 2016 7:20 pm

"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.

"What now?" Tina asked, praying for patience and counting backward from one hundred as she often did when dealing with her fourteen-year-old-going-on-twenty daughter.

"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! It's not fair," responded Jocelyn, her eyes flashing with anger and righteous indignation. Folding her arms and harrumphing, she added, "You act just like those "old" mothers."

"Oh come on now; trying to guilt me into letting you go see that horrible movie isn't going to work, girl. I'm onto you," warned her mother, shooting her a knowing look. "Spring Break Axe Murderer" is violent. You are aware of my reasons for not wanting you to go, aren't you?"

"Okay, I give. But it doesn't make me not want to go. Everybody is going!"

Tina started to speak and then closed her mouth, staring into the eyes so like her own - large and green with gold flecks. At times it was difficult not to over-identify with this child so like her younger self, and to slip from her parenting role. Was it only fourteen years ago that she had been sixteen, having a baby out of wedlock?

"I don't know," she said, hesitating. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad just this once. After all, what could one movie hurt? It wasn't like Jocelyn had a steady diet!

"Mom, can I? Please? I'll even do dishes for a whole week if you let me!"

"It's my turn to give. Okay, you can. However, I don't want you asking me if you can go to anymore of these types of shows for a long long time. Agreed?"

Tina's answer was having Jocelyn's arms thrown around her in an ecstatic response. Smiling, she nodded her head, staring over her daughter's shoulder. "Thank you Lord for this treasure you've given me," she said, her lips moving in silent prayer.



As far as dialogue goes (which was the lesson, after all), you've definitely done a good job, especially with Jocelyn. Tina's voice is still slightly stiff in a few places.

It's not part of this lesson, but I'd encourage you to look for cliches in your writing. In this little vignette, I found

praying for patience / counting backward
eyes flashing with anger
out of wedlock
righteous indignation

And if you were an editing client, I'd advise you to trim, trim, trim.

However, your writing is good, with some inklings of deep POV. Lots and lots of promise here--well done!


How's this for a re-do?
___________________________________
"Mom!" Jocelyn whined.

"What now?" Tina asked, feeling irritated at her daughter's tone. Forcing a smile into her voice, she stopped unloading the dishwasher to turn around. "What is it, honey?"

"Ashley and Tiffany get to go! Why can't I?"

"Go where?"

Folding her arms, she exclaimed, "To the movie, Mom! What else?"

Tina stifled the words, "I forgot" which would only have inflamed the situation. Not that long ago she too as a self-centered unwed teenage mother had felt the immediacy of her needs being met. How raising this tempestuous fourteen-year-old had matured her! "Right," she responded. "The answer hasn't changed."

"You're - so - old!"

"Guilt won't work." This time she smiled. "I tried that on my mother."

"Yeah, but at least you had a dad!"

Paralyzed, Tina froze and felt herself go pale.

"Mom, I'm sorry!" Jocelyn, taller than Tina and instantly contrite, threw her arms around her mother. "I really am. I don't know why I said that!"

Gathering herself together, Tina slipped from her daughter's embrace to step back and look into green eyes that shone with tears. "What made you say that?"

"I don't know," she sniffed and lowered her eyes.

"Am I that bad a mom?"

"No." Jocelyn looked up and sobbed. "Yes."

"Honey, what's wrong?" Tina reached out to gather the crying child into her arms. "Jocelyn, what's going on with you?"

Muffled against her shirt, the words were barely discernible. "You're so strict!" she answered and hiccuped, sobbing in earnest. "Why do you have to the perfect mother and make me the guinea pig?"

Tempted to cry out the agony she also felt, Tina held back. There would be time to work through her adult emotions later; this was Jocelyn's moment.

"I'll tell you what," said Tina when the watery flow had subsided. She pulled one arm from around her daughter, leaving the other resting on her shoulder. Lifting Jocelyn's chin gently, forcing her to look up, Tina added, "You can go this once to see "Spring Break Axe Murderer."

Jocelyn's hopeful smile lit up eyes that still glistened with tears. "Even after I was mean - even though I didn't mean to be?" She tried to drop her eyes but Tina didn't let her.

"Yes. You can go, but..." Tina said and held up a finger, saying, ..."it isn't because I feel sorry for you. I have some thinking and we have talking to do. Okay?"

"Oh, Mom! You're the best!"

This time it was Tina's words that were muffled against Jocelyn's sweater as, wrapped in an exuberant bear hug, Tina finished with, "However, there will be a curfew..."
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby glorybee » Wed Mar 23, 2016 5:22 pm

Lookinup, I've seen this, and I 'll get back to you soon. Got a houseful of granddaughters right now. Stay tuned...
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby lookinup » Wed Mar 23, 2016 7:20 pm

No worries and thanks! Enjoy your grands....
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby glorybee » Thu Mar 24, 2016 11:28 pm

Catherine, I like your final version a lot. Thanks for persisting at it!
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby lookinup » Fri Mar 25, 2016 7:21 pm

Again, thanks Bea. Regret its being so long - just read about limiting word count and will watch that in the future.
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby Athayde » Tue Jul 04, 2017 4:37 pm

Hi Jan, here is my shot:



Jocelyn frowned and yelled at me, "Why church people can't have fun, mom?" I'm going

anyway, you know that..." She walked sideways at my front.


Seated on the sofa, I kept looking at my tablet. I had to be careful to answer to that one.


"It's not about being a Christian, Jocy. Look at the name of this movie, Spring Break Axe

Murderer
. And look at its reviews!" I pointed at the screen and shook my head. "You won't go."


"Look, mom, I won't get myself pregnant like you did when you were at MY age." She snapped

back, tilted her head, and placed her both hands over her hips.


"Oh, now you're going too far, little lady." I jumped off the sofa, and squinted down at her face.

She tilted her head up and stepped backwards. I lingered there, waiting for her reaction, holding

the tears in my eyes. She bowed her head.


"Mom, it's just a flick. Ash and Tiff, everybody is going..." She pleaded, opened her palms up

and pursed her lips.


I turned and seated back on the couch. With my elbows resting over my thighs, and both hands

holding my cheeks, I forced my mind to think. When I was at Jocelyn's age, I used to jump out

of my house windows, and escape to the parties. Then I got pregnant, and my crazy grandma

told my mon, "This is what happens when you squeeze the bread dough more than you should,

it creeps off between your fingers..." Oh, God, help me. I don't know what to do...


Jocelyn stayed there, waiting for my final word. Then, the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart,

"Tina, wherever she goes, I'll be with her, I promise you." That's it. He'll be there for her.


I lifted my head, and gave her a half smile. "Ok, you can go, but please, be careful. Give me a

few calls."


"Oh, mom, thank you! I knew you wouldn't spoil everything...I'll call as many times as you

want."

She sat at my side and kissed me. "And..." she bent her head down, "I'm sorry for what I said

about you... You know..."


"That's ok, honey. It's good to know you're smarter than I was, when I was at your age." I

smoothed her long hair and held her tight.

***


Thanks for the lesson, Jan. God bless you. :)
Last edited by Athayde on Tue Jul 04, 2017 9:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.

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Re: Dialog #1

Postby glorybee » Tue Jul 04, 2017 8:18 pm

Athayde wrote:Hi Jan, here is my shot:



Jocelyn frowned and yelled at me, "Why church people can't have fun, hein, mom?" I'm going

anyway, you know that..." She walked sideways at my front.


Seated on the sofa, I kept looking at my tablet. I had to be careful to answer to that one.


"It's not about being a Christian, Jocy. Look at the name of this movie, Spring Break Axe

Murderer
. And look at its reviews!" I pointed at the screen and shook my head. "You won't go."


"Look, mom, I won't get myself pregnant like you did when you were at MY age." She snapped

back, tilted her head, and placed her both hands over her hips.


"Oh, now you're going too far, little lady." I jumped off the sofa, and squinted down at her face.

She tilted her head up and stepped backwards. I stayed there, waiting for her reaction, holding

the tears in my eyes. She bowed her head.


"Mom, it's just a flick. Ash and Tiff, everybody is going..." She pleaded, opened her palms up

and pursed her lips.


I turned and seated back on the couch. With my elbows resting over my thighs, and both hands

holding my cheeks, I forced my mind to think. When I was at Jocelyn's age, I used to jump out of

my house windows, and escape to the parties. Then I got pregnant, and my crazy grandma told

my mon, "This is what happens when you squeeze the bread dough more than you should, It

creeps off between your fingers..." Oh, God, help me. I don't know what to do...


Jocelyn stayed there, waiting for my final word. Then, the Holy Spirit spoke into my heart,

"Tina, wherever she goes, I'll be with her, I promise you." That's it. He'll be there for her.


I lifted my head, and gave her a half smile. "Ok, you can go, but please, be careful. Give me a

few calls."


"Oh, mom, thank you! I knew you would not spoil everything...I'll call as many times as you

want."

She sat at my side and kissed me. "And..." she bent her head down, "I'm sorry for what I said

about you... You know..."


"That's ok, honey. It's good to know you're smarter than I was, when I was at your age." I

smoothed her long hair and held her tight.

***


Thanks for the lesson, Jan. God bless you. :)


Great job!

I'm not sure about the 'hein' in the first bit of dialog, and I would have made 'would not' toward the end into 'wouldn't.' Otherwise, you did a fine job making the conversation far more natural than the original example.
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Re: Dialog #1

Postby Athayde » Tue Jul 04, 2017 11:01 pm

Thanks, Jan--

I've made the corrections, and also chose the word lingered, instead stayed, in the 5th paragraph. :)

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